he put his hands on me
This is my first time on here and first time talking about this with anyone. I was over at my boyfriend’s place and I had been feeling terribly ill before and told him I was not in the best of moods and also did not want to engage in anything sexual. When i got there he instead got upset with me that I wasn’t doing well (had an attitude) and did not want to do anything even after I had already told him this. We were going back and forth with each other and got into an argument about how i felt he only was trying to get s*x out of me. I did not want to end the night upset with each other so I tried reaching out to him and he told me to not touch him and I listened and told him not to touch me either and he jumps up and puts his hands around my throat. I immediately start sobbing and trying to get him off of me and he tells me to stop crying. He also said that maybe what I need is a little discipline in order to be nice and to stop having an attitude. He then asked me to apologize to him and I did. I feel so ashamed in myself for giving in and apologizing when i did nothing wrong. He then tried to initiate sex and asked me if i wanted to and i said yes because i felt so scared what he would do if i said no so i gave in and just dissociated the whole time.
The next day he completely acted like nothing had happened. I waited to see if he would address it or apologize but he didn’t. Eventually I just went off on him because i couldn’t fathom how he had just thought that was normal. He said he miss read the situation and thought i was enjoying it. He then went on to say he had so much built up tension due to mother’s day and him not being close to his family.(it happened on mother’s day). He then said he’s been having horrible mood swings and feeling like hurting things and that really needed to see me in person because he was not doing well and i was the only one that could help. How could he take me being vulnerable about him hurting me and make all about him.
I know i should leave him and i am in the process of doing so by distancing myself but it is just so hard. He has choked me plenty of times before but has done it as a joke or has said he got too carried away after it hurt. He has also pinched me too hard and slapped me and his excuse is that I am just too cute he can’t help but hurt me. I was so blinded that i tolerated it. I’m not sure why but this last time felt so different to the others , I looked him in the eyes and I felt so scared by what i saw.
He’s tried talking to me normally as if nothing has happened since then. Asking me why am I sad and what is wrong. It makes me so angry he doesn’t see how what he did to he has affected me really negatively. It makes me feel like i imagined the whole thing. We have been together on and off
for 5 years. We are both in our early 20s and had planned to move in together soon and everything after we are done with school. It’s like i had my whole life planned out and a future to look forward to now it feels like i have nothing and I don’t know what to do. I know i should leave and I am planning it but the more i think about it the more I look at the situation as it not being that big of a deal and like i am overreacting but i do not want to feel that way and I know it was serious. I’m in a constant battle with myself over what is real and what isn’t.