Does someone feel the same way?
So, hi everyone, that`s my first post on a reddit and im truly sorry if im gonna do something wrong or gonna make some mistakes (English is not my first language).
I won’t go into the whole long story, but the situation I’m in right now is this: I have BPD with dissociation and a mixed anxiety-depression disorder. I’ve been in therapy for almost three years now (my previous psychotherapist turned out to be an idiot, to put it bluntly) and at the moment I think I’m making really good progress and I’m taking medication.
So, i constantly find myself avoiding relationships because I’ve experienced sexual trauma. I have absolutely all the symptoms except for this fear of abandonment – I genuinely want the person to forget about me and not get close if I notice them showing any signs of interest, particularly sexual interest. I immediately have a panic attack and feel terrified. I feel in danger. I’ve tried dating men and women, and it was all wonderful right up until the moment I noticed a certain "sparkle" in their eyes. After that, I started to feel as though any closeness with that person (even walking hand in hand) was physically draining my energy and destroying me. I don’t know what to do about it.
At the moment, I’ve given up on trying to take an interest in anyone or trying to meet people. I’ve tried it. All attempts at proper relationships and things like ‘dates’. To me, it feels like I’m being tortured. My heart races in panic, I’m tense, and if someone touches me, I have an instant dissociative episode. It’s as if my soul is trying to be somewhere else at that moment, but not here. What’s wrong with me?