u/Funny_Toe918

I swear this happens too often!! Someone will tell me something and then later on deny ever saying said thing!

For example,
My physio said she will email me a hand out for sleep hygiene. The next day I emailed her asking for the hand out, her response was “I don’t think I said I would specifically send something”

Things like this happen way too often and it makes me question myself and my hearing but I’m always certain I’ve heard it correctly!!!

Reposting because previous one got deleted

I’m currently 26 years old (female) and am wanting to understand how my childhood has now affected me as an adult.

I don’t have many childhood memories so from what I can remember:

- mom was physically and mentally unwell as I was growing up. She suffered (finally healing now at the age of 56) from depression, anxiety and non-diagnosed ptsd from her narcissistic mother and emotionally/mentally absent father and school bullying. The worst of it was when I was 6, her father died from cancer and at the same time she pregnant with my sister. I adored my mother growing up and remember always worrying about her but i remember as a little girl, in my eyes she was perfect.

- dad was physically around but mentally and emotionally he was absent. Due to my mother not being able to work he was the bread maker. This meant long hours in the office, working overtime, paying all the bills and left with little amount to spend for fun things. His father died when he was only 10 from a freak accident and for the next 10 years of my dad’s life, his mother was addicted to sleeping pills therefore she was mentally and emotionally absent from his life up until he was 20 and that caused a huge strain on their relationship. I wish my dad was more present but I appreciate how hard he worked to keep our family afloat and providing us with shelter and food.

- I’m the oldest of 3, I don’t have many memories playing with my younger sibling (we are 6 years apart) but I have many memories playing with the middle child (3 years apart). I do remember my younger two siblings getting along better and I always just assumed it was cause they are closer in age. Now my relationship with them is ok, wish we were closer.

- school was a rough time for me. From the age of 8, I started to experience bullying from the other girls. Lots of snarky uncalled for comments, leaving me out of games, parties, etc. was bullied by both genders for my interests (like enjoying Justin Bieber, bratz, etc) - even at a party they put Justin Bieber on a dart board and all threw darts at him in attempt to make me upset. At this age, I felt like everything I did or liked was wrong and abnormal. From the ages of 13-15 I enjoyed school, got along well with everyone and the first time in long time, my mother was dragging me out of bed to go to school. At 15 years old bullying happened again, my close group of friends turned on me and I still don’t know why. I would be yelled at when walking by being called awful names, horrible rumours made up about me. This is where I started to question if life was worth living, became extremely depressed, in and out of mental health hospitals and it ended with me dropping out of school before finishing.

- at the age of approximately 10 years old I developed OCD. my ocd was contamination of old things so think of old buildings, op shop items or anything that just looked old. I also had a fear that if I don’t touch something or if I rub my shoulder again a wall and don’t do the other side my mother would get hurt (sorry I don’t know what type of ocd this is called). At this age I also developed depression and anxiety and would constantly be seeing a psychologist. This made me feel like a burden at the time.

- also at the age of 15 I had my first sexual encounter which wasn’t fully consensual. The boy I liked wanted to go for a “walk”. We made it up a hill in his home town (I don’t know the area) and he verbally forced me to have oral sex with him and threatened to leave me there if I didn’t. After this happened, word got around and I was called a slut, whore, etc by people from his school and mine online.

- there was minimal physical abuse at home and by that I mean only got smacked and hit with a flip flop if I was being “naughty”. I think I totally blocked this out of my memory until yesterday when I saw a Tik Tok of how this affects children as adults. My dad was verbally abusive towards my mother and I watched her take it over and over again. I don’t remember how my father communicated with me as a child, he either didn’t or I have blocked this out. I remember at around 8-10 I hated him and couldn’t stand him and till this day I don’t know why.

Fast track to today,

- I have an EXTREME issue with my confidence. I never feel good enough to be in the room or speak to people. I feel like a waste of space and honestly sometimes I do feel like it’ll be better if I wasn’t around. I feel incompetent most of the time.

- most of the time I don’t want my needs to burden others and I will do things to make sure there needs are met before mine. It’s gotten to this point - I have type 1 diabetes, last week I needed medical equipment for the weekend as we were away for a couple of days. The closest pharmacy was an hour away and I did everything I could so that my partner didnt travel an hour with me to get my medical equipment (it’s a manual car and idk how to drive that). If anyone told me this I would respond with that’s ridiculous!! You need your medical stuff and I’m sure your partner will drive you! But me.. no I don’t want to be a burden.

- following from the last point, I speak negatively about myself. Everything I do is just never good enough or right.

- I’m socially awkward! I sit there and feel like I just say the wrong thing, wrong timing or my mind is blank and I don’t know how to respond to people. A lot of the time I do choose to sit in silence and prefer to listen because I’m worried about being perceived negatively.

- I do have friends but I feel like they’re just my friends because they have to be. Yes they reach out to me to catch up but I still feel like they don’t really want our friendship.

- I feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight mode and I think this is why I developed type 1 diabetes in my early 20’s. My jaw is CLENCHED and my traps are so tight. My partner constantly tells me I stress over the small things.

- my relationship with my mom is good, I still worry about her but I’m doing a lot better at detaching where needed. My relationship with my father is awkward, he is no longer abusive but I definitely think our relationship is strained. I struggle to make eye contact with him and find myself getting irritated at him easily even when he is just being caring or loving in his own way.

- I have a partner who I have now been with for 4 years now and through this relationship I have noticed my patterns and want to better myself for me, him and our future family. I struggle with rejection, even if it’s not rejection and I perceive it as rejection I struggle and get emotional. I’m not proud of this and change my thinking pattern when I am aware of it but when I’m mad and need an outlet I find things to pick a fight. I don’t know why I do this and trust me I know this is absurd but I do it. When things are wrong, if it’s us arguing or if I’m just sad I shut down and don’t communicate with him, I want to communicate better but I fear I’ll lose him if I communicate my needs or wants.

- when people are nasty or uncalled comments intentionally or unintentionally I get riled up! I hate people like this but I also understand we cannot control other’s behaviour only our own but stuff like this really gets to me especially if it’s being said to me.

- I feel like I feel content at time with my life such as my job, where I live, etc but I find I get over that quick and crave more, something different and it feels like an urge to escape.

I’m sorry if this is a bit messy and I haven’t made this clear but I really want to better myself and understand myself more. Please feel free to ask me questions, I really don’t know what to expect but I’m sitting here crying because I’m over feeling like shit

Also no hate is really appreciated, I feel very vulnerable right now and will appreciate feedback or constructive criticism only!