Widow's Fire/ Awakening/Secondary loss
Husband died 10 mths ago today. Due to his illness, intimacy wasn't possible - four years since. We promised we could have a "friend" if either is is passed but when it happened, I was adamant I could never be with anyone again...and I was perfectly fine.
I met someone in the course of estate business, who unexpectedly reached out for a date. I was flattered, then I was angry.. I'm a widow dammit. My BFF was there when we met said OMG you should do it and said I couldn't live in this hole forever (yes I right listen to her as she lost her husband a few years ago as well, but is now in a relationship).
Went on the date. Was surprised at how excited I was. See him, we hugged and say at the bar just talking and getting a nice drink. Got too loud so we went somewhere quieter. We were wrapped in each other - went to his place. Something in me exploded like out of nowhere - I was almost ravenous. I cried twice that night. I felt I was betraying my husband but a few more drinks and I was, better.
We continued this no structure non relationship for the past month and a half but I began to lose myself in him and his body to the point that I broke it off via text the days ago. Told him it was no longer healthy for me. Then blocked all contact.
Today my heart softened enough to text that I hope he can understand why I had to do. He responded with a heart emoji and simply said, "I do". And I've been crying ever since. I found out about Widows Fire online but the longing, the emotional trainwreck, anxiety through the roof. It's almost painful. I couldn't even keep it solely sexual my heart jumped in despite me struggling to keep it clear
I wonder if this is like a secondary mourning. I was wife caregiver friend. Being a woman then guilt for being the woman I forgot existed. She's beautiful and sensual and alive... And scared. I don't want to go through another heartbreak. I wonder if I will find peace because I'm awake now, but I wish that woman in me was just left alone.
Please no negativity - only seeking positive vibes. Anything to help me through. If you understand, you understand.
Had anyone gone through any of this?