I just need to vent since I haven't been to a meeting in a while due to events and sickness. This weekend, I stumbled on evidence of a relapse. I calmy talked to him about it, told him that I am disappointed about the lying and afraid this will only get worse. Asked him to think about telling his sponsor. He pretended to be on my side. The yes man, and willing to change etc, for a second lol. He then told me something along the lines, of sorry but I dont care about how my actions affect others right now, because I have to do this in order to be okay for work and I don't want to tell my sponsor until I am doing better. Which has really stuck with me.
The next day I found he had bought more, hid the evidence and proceeded to ask me to help him get some stuff so he wouldn't withdraw. I honestly was kind of shocked by the audacity but I am sure he has done this before, I just knew this time. I told him I am not helping him with that anymore. (I used to help him thinking it would somehow make it better?) He also told me he needed $100 the day before for "work stuff" 🙄
Devastating and big reality check for me. Luckily. I have been going to meetings so I can stomach it better this time.
Up until now, I told him I would stay but our relationship long term is not guaranteed. I didn't want to make big decisions until I knew how I felt & what I wanted. I think I am done now. When I think about it, its not the addiction that bothers me most. It's not having a reliable partner, its being so poor when you shouldn't be, its the emotions disregulation, the victim mindset, it's going to events by myself, its people asking and me telling them nonsense. I don't even really know him after all these years. At this point, do I even have a partner? He is more like a ghost that only adds to my life when he feels good or its convenient. On top of this, he wants to have kids. And I think I don't have a desire bc deep down I know if this continues this way I would be a single mom.
He is an awesome guy but he has a lot of demons and its hard, I understand that. I do care about him a lot and want him to be happy always and I want to have a partner who is present. Ive ignored my wants and needs for too long. I am tired of waiting for things be stable again just for it to fall apart. I wish I could be around for the journey, I really do!
Anyway, I am really glad for meetings. I think radically accepting my life as it is not thinking about potential has helped. I am going to talk with trusted friends and/or family about it. Hopefully catch a meeting today and meet with my therapist. I think I will also try to find a sponsor this week. Thanks for letting me vent.