I (22) have been with my boyfriend (24) for around 5 months but we hhad been seeing each other the year before on and off and navigated a lot of ups and downs so in total like (12/13 months). I do care about him a lot, and when it’s just the two of us, the relationship feels really good, connected, and natural. But I’m really struggling with how I fit into his wider life and I’m feeling emotionally exhausted and confused about whether this is something I can continue.
He has a very tight-knit, very intense friend group (mostly Chinese friends from his current environment). Their social life is extremely immersive : constant group chats, spontaneous last-minute meetups, late-night library sessions until 4–5am, early morning badminton multiple times a week, karaoke, drinking, running together, photos/voice notes/text threads all day, etc. It feels like a very “always-on” social ecosystem. I don’t naturally operate like that. I’m currently resitting nursing exams, under a lot of pressure, and already stretched emotionally. I prefer independence, focusing on my own goals, and having more flexible, lower-intensity friendships rather than being embedded in one constantly active group.
Because of this, I often feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I’m frequently adapting, catching up on things after they’ve happened, or trying to find my place in a system that feels like it already exists without me. It leaves me feeling sidelined and emotionally drained, even if unintentional. We have spoken about this before and he is loving, reassuring, and present with me one-to-one (texts, calls, emotional support). But in practice, I don’t feel like the dynamic really changes long-term, he still naturally becomes very absorbed in his friendships and social environment, and I end up feeling like I’m the one adjusting.
There are also some early boundary issues that are making it harder for me to trust the stability of my place in his life:
At the beginning of the relationship, he had been texting one of his female friends for about 2 weeks straight right before we became official. She also gave him a gift right as we started dating.
the early period, I sometimes saw her flirting with him and he didn’t really address it at the time (this has now stopped, but it affected my trust early on).
There was one occasion where I noticed him glancing at her while I was physically holding his hand at dinner (also at the beginning) and he asked her to show him how to draw something when we were doing some group artwork
He also agreed to help her avoid a guy who was interested in her. (this was also right before we were dating and were having conversations about our relationship)
In the lead up to Chinese New Year he often reminded me about buying a gift for her At a park run, he invited me first but couldn’t find me and then ran off with another friend he also invited, and they did it without me.
He once promised to call me and pray together at 8pm, but ended up out drinking and forgot, and I didn’t hear from him until around 2am.
In the early relationship, I expressed needing to go home by around 9–10pm, but he wouldn’t ask people to leave until 1am even though he had said he would finish earlier.
I feel like all of this happened very early on and now there's no gifts, no flirting, no park run, no forgotten calls and he's made some real effort but it created a pattern where I already felt like I was trying to find my place in his life rather than feeling securely included and felt really hurt and betrayed in it so even now those things have stopped, I didn't forget them. At this point, I feel very emotionally drained. I don’t feel like I have the capacity to keep trying to integrate into his social world or constantly adapt to it. I love him, but I also feel like I’m always slightly on the outside, trying to keep up or find where I fit.
I’m confused because I don’t know if this is a compatibility issue, something that could realistically change with time, or if it’s a sign that I should step away. I’ve also had past experiences of feeling excluded in groups/relationships and eventually having to leave when I couldn’t find my place, and this is starting to feel similar. Has anyone experienced something like this? Is this something that can be worked through, or does this usually indicate a deeper incompatibility in how two people structure relationships and social life?
TL;DR:
I (22F) love my boyfriend (24M) and we’re great one-on-one, but I feel like an outsider in his intense, always-on friend group and constantly end up adapting. Early boundary issues also made me feel insecure. Even though things have improved, I still don’t feel securely included in his life and I’m emotionally exhausted—unsure if this is incompatibility or something I should leave.