My (34M) partner is emotionally unavailable and I (33F) am mentally exhausted.
My partner and I had been together for 12 years, we have a 11 — soon to be 12 year old child together. After catching him cheating (he willingly did not admit this, I found text in his phone and one night while drunk with my ex-best friend she admitted that when we first got together they exchanged nudes but “nothing happened”). I let all this slide and we were attending couples therapy, things were semi good until I caught him for the 3rd time texting someone so we split up for about 2 years.
We ended up ending things. But I want to point out that 2 questions have stuck with me since we’ve broken up . “Would you have even stayed with me if it wasn’t for our daughter?” He did not respond.
“How long have you been unhappy” he responded 4 years!
He also told me that I’m the reason he doesn’t hangout with his brother and that he’s given up everyone for me. Which is a lie, he’s let his family call me out my name, make sexually inappropriate jokes to me, and doesn’t say anything when this is done unless I tell him HEY THAT HURTS MY FEELINGS!
Anyway, we’re back together. He WAS in therapy before we split up but he stopped going and he has some serve childhood trauma that in my opinion has caused a stunt in his ability to be emotionally available, emotionally mature, and communicate.
He works for a company that requires him to travel every other month for 3 weeks. He can also volunteer to travel more than that if he would like and usually he does. I am in nursing school and graduate soon! So our schedules clash a lot and most the time we have together if I am not working in 2 Saturdays out of the month when he is home. These Saturdays we both have nothing to do the entire day. I have expressed to him that I would like to go out on dates, or even watch movies together and him not fall asleep, just simple things where we spend time together.
He’s currently traveling and we got on the subject of date nights and how I need more attention. He says that he’s been going to sleep around 10-10:30pm which I know is a lie bc he took his Xbox and when he FT me he’s playing it or texts me saying he’s playing with his friends. stressed and trying to save money so that he can buy me a house. I expressed to him that we don’t have to spend money to have date night. The next day he gets off early around 4p. Our daughter has a school event that he misses but he tells her they can play their Switch together once we get home. During the orchestra concert he texts me telling me that him and his brother (they work together) and coworkers are all going out to eat and to the movies that night. I am instantly upset bc how can he spend money with them but give me excuses to not take me anywhere?! Mind you EVERYTIME he travels he’s with his friends and they go to some attraction, dinner, etc.
I ask him how can he spend money with them and he responds asking me why can’t I just be happy and tell him to enjoy his dinner and movie. I am over it. Once the concert is done my daughter FT him and he tells her about his plans with the guys and she has a panic attack bc she was really looking forward to spending time with him. When I tell him she’s panicking and crying he responds asking”over what? Bc I’m missing her concert? I can’t drive that far I wouldn’t have made it”
This man is not an idiot but he is acting like one! I’m completely over it. The next day we don’t talk AT ALL! Maybe send a total of 10 text. I tell him I can no longer do this, it’s mentally exhausting and draining. I’m begging him to change and communicate. To simply fight for this relationship. He tells me that the eggs at the hotel are messing his stomach up… we are communicating on and about totally different things. He text me that he is mentally exhausted and drained when he hasn’t done anything — in my opinion — to be drained about. He completely avoids and ignores hard conversations. When I express things that bother me he turns it around like I’m tripping and just wanting to argue.
I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t think he sees things the way I do and I don’t think he ever will. He tells me he loves me and he really is trying but he doesn’t think I take his feelings into consideration. I have no idea what those feelings are. I’ve asked and he hasn’t responded yet. Sometimes I don’t think he even wants to be with me. I’m not sure if I’m just holding on to previous conversations and responses. He went to therapy 1 time a few months ago then never went back. I’m telling myself to give this to the end of the year, but I’m not sure it even deserves that. I think we’re attached to each other and sexually he is top tier. We have sex every day that he is home and honestly this is typically his “cure” for everything and I can’t say no. I never want to say no, so I know I don’t make it any better. For the most part (84%) we get along.
I just need this need met. I can’t be the only one trying and wanting more, but it feels like I am. I need someone who can communicate with me and doesn’t avoid me or completely shuts down and sweeps it under the rug. I need non bias advice and support on what the heck to do.