I don’t think I wanna live
19F
I constantly think of death whenever I get in a bind even if its only something small, like I didnt study for a quiz. I genuinely don’t know what to do in life I tried pursuing engineering because that was the 1st job i wanted as a kid but my grades werent good enough for it and so I am currently trying to apply for practical nursing but i am waitlisted.
I told my mom I might be mentally unwell she said she’s been through some shit too but the only thing that can help yourself is you, since when ur on meds ur too dependent on them and if u go to therapy which is way our of our budget, if u dont follow what they say then its useless. YOU have to do the changing u cant rely on anyone else Thats WHY u have to be strong and just think of the future. You should depend on ur parents and family. ( ps. My moms stressed asf since she has constant panic/anxiety attacks and she overthinks alot). I dont think she’s fit to be giving any advices
What if i cant think of a future, i dont even know what i want, i dont know who i wanna be
I dont also have friends i can rely on so the only thing i can rely on is myself. My friend’s dont care enough and the thing is i just wanna hangout with them play games yet whenever i bring any of that stuff up, sure they agree but after that they just forget as if they have amnesia. I always have to be the one that chats them 1st as if they they dont even think of me, am i invisible to them. My bestfriend ghosted me a year and a half ago and ever since then I just havent been the same she was the closest person to me and now i dont even have anyone like that.
My grades are so bad ever since we migrated to another country, my parents said we moved here for a better future but the only thing that its done for me is make my life more depressing
My life may have been hard back in our country since it was a pretty poor country BUT I was with my family and friends and i was actually doing school work even getting medals but here It has been so shit like people are always on abt mental health yet so many people are depressed and the only thing they could care abt is themselves thats why its so hard making friends unless ur pretty or youve been childhood friends.
I genuinely cant do this anymore the only thing thats actually keeping me alive is
My sister, my younger sister, we have 10+ years age gap, I dont want her to grow up alone knowing she once had an older sister and I wanna see her grow up to be succesful
Sure thats enough to keep me going in life but im at my lowest right now that i might as well not be living, I genuinely dont do anything productive in my life even doing simple everyday tasks is to taxing for me.
Also I am not diagnosed but I think i do have depression
edit: honestly insane how theres more people here that is cocerned for me, unlike in real life, Thanks for everyone who replied and have said good advices