u/Fun_Solution8332

We were best friends. And I have to confess something. I have shared this with family members and a couple close friends recently but I feel I need to share it with you because I just feel I need to. It caused one of my family members great distress. Of course it has been causing me great distress too. I held something over my brother's head for a very long time. When I was 16 and he was 18 he put his hand on my butt for a couple seconds. He immediately withdrew his hand, apologized, and he felt terrible about it. I "forgave" him at the moment but a long while later- about one to 2 years ago, I started scaring him by threatening to expose him for it. The reason why I changed my mind and went from a forgiving, kind sister-to a psychologically abusive one- was because I chose to shift blame due to the fact that I had done something far worse. And repeated. I was just scrolling online looking at drawings of one of my favorite animated shows growing up (power puff girls). I came across a drawn cartoon character from the show that was engaging in an explicit act. I went back to it over and over. I imagined myself in that fictional power puff girls' place. I don't know why but all I know is that I knew better not to. And I know this is not a justification but I swear on my life that I have never and will never in my life have any consideration or feeling like that in real life, never. I do not feel or think that way in real life at all. I truly do not know why that one specific drawing stuck out to me but for some reason it did, (but that doesn't mean I should've viewed it but I chose to anyway) and it was something I chose to go back to click on and view over and over. Again, that is not okay at all. Although it's an animated superhero character and not real, it was still incredibly harmful to click anything like that several times. Given that a powerpuff girl is technically a depiction of a kid. And I felt so terrible for having repeatedly viewed it and I stopped. The guilt was horrible. As it should be. Then that's when I decided to shift blame on my brother. & He can't even defend/explain himself now. The way I can defend/explain myself. He never got the chance to. He believed that, had I told anyone about the one-time incident when he was 18 and I was 16, that he would be shut out from his family and put on a registry. I even blamed the abuse I faced at the hands of other men on him. Despite knowing that wasn't true. We were best friends our whole lives and I slowly deteriorated that friendship (he was kind to me I was not kind back). And I knew he had a hard time opening up as is. I made him feel as though the love his family held for him was conditional rather than unconditional. One of the last days of his life I had said to another relative that I would "never trust him again". And the relative said "why?" I said "I won't tell you". Which likely reinforced his belief that had anyone known he'd have been hated and ostracized. So any love my family showed him must've felt misinformed, and I upheld that feeling. I had taught myself to despise him and put all of my issues on him and blame him. Now I will live with that regret. I am so sad that my brother had to live and die with the belief that he wouldn't be loved, that he deserved harm done to him. Because of one accident when he was 18. I am so sad that I pushed and promoted that belief. I have been told it is “not my fault” but I know it partially was. I gave him no way out. His life was cut far too short. I am scared and sorrowful to live past him.