Can you give up on relationships?
Hi, I am attempting to move on from a relationship since I was 18, I am now in my mid 30s and I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing.
I have siblings, I get on with all of them except one, my brother. We have a complicated relationship, since I was a child he engaged in corporal punishment with permission from my parents (which didn't bother me if I actually did something wrong). But it became abusive when it was just little things like not closing the toothpaste properly or general forgetfulness as well as not doing things 'correctly'. When I was younger, if I was told we were going to see him or he was coming to see us, I would get this pit in my stomach and think of ways to avoid him or his line of sight.
It stopped when I was 19 (the last time he hit me was when I was 18) but even though it is not physical anymore, it's psychological and verbal - anytime I speak, he'll hear me say something and just tut or give this condescending chuckle or shake his head. He's good at making you feel small, stupid and weak with just an expression or gesture. As such, I stopped visiting him because there was always something to get angry about when it comes to me, to the point where he would make me cry because he would go on and on about one mistake (I was still in my 20s when this was happening btw, a fully grown adult). It was like an interrogation about how I could be so stupid and why I would make this mistake (as if I did it on purpose to make his life hard?)
He doesn't talk to me and he's not interested in my life e.g. when I started university he never asked me what degree programme I was doing, the language I took and, importantly, when I was living abroad for a year, he never asked how I was doing and the job I took. In important moments such as these, he's never asked about it (his wife did). During my Master's - again, nothing. Now I've started my PhD and he has never asked me anything about it. I've always asked him how he is, how's work, any updates in his life and his health - he doesn't reciprocate. I'm in my 30s and I'm tired of this.
Now we don't talk to each other, I've given up and decided not to engage with him at all, I don't think he's noticed my silence. We still see each other at family events and are amicable, but we don't talk to each other. My partner is on my side and fully supports my decision because he hates seeing me get hurt. This isn't a petty move, I just figure that if someone doesn't want to really be in my life and isn't interested, then I welcome that and I'll stop being in his.
In my eyes, he's not interested in having a relationship with me and (in my opinion) he hates me, every move I make or every word I speak is something to criticise. He's never said a kind word to or about me, no 'well done' or 'congratulations' (or a genuine one at least). But people keep telling me to 'be the bigger person' and ignore what he does/says - why should I?? Why should I be the one to shoulder this? Why don't people tell him to just be nice to me and maybe we have a chance of salvaging our relationship? He was the adult and I was the child when all of this started, yet it fell on me over and over. I only grew the courage to give up on this 'emotional quest' last year when it occurred to me that if the other person isn't actively trying, you can't hope to build a relationship. I've gotten mixed responses on this.
I just wanted to ask Reddit if what I'm doing is OK? I really want a relationship with my brother but that can't happen if he's still being a d*** and not trying. I know you can't force people to change and I know people are who they are. But is it OK to give up on trying to build a relationship with someone?