Control over binges?
I’ve always been bigger and I struggle a lot with the idea that I don’t have an actual bed, I just am lazy, I just like greasy or sweet foods too much and I choose to do this to myself.
My bed is diagnosed, but because of the way it presents itself rn I feel like a bit of an outsider. Ever since my anorexia/bulimia progressed into bed that really strict, guilty and terrible feeling after binging left little by little. Nowadays when I have a binge, I don’t even really feel bad afterwards since I guess it just falls in line with the expectations I have of myself? I struggle a lot with feeling big emotions in general so that might also be relevant for that maybe?
But okay, nowadays I can sometimes “easily” go without binging for a few weeks to then have a relapse for no reason. I never let the binge urge get so high that I binge on things that I dislike or really don’t want to eat so atp I don’t even know if my binge urges are even that strong anymore. Most, if not all, of my binges are planned or fantasized about beforehand and almost always perfectly put together. The perfect binge that excites all my taste buds and will be so harmonious that I will never need another binge again. However, the execution is never perfect and always leaves me with a remaining amount of food that triggers many binges in the next following days and/or weeks. These binges are not planned but because I know that I won’t be able to deal with all these foods in my house, I “decide” to have a binge before I can even get the urge to binge. I give up before I can even actually fail at losing the battle to the urges I guess.
But because of the aforementioned reasons I feel like I am basically always in control of my binges and thus cannot have bed since a loss of control is one of the symptoms?
Is this maybe somewhat relatable to someone? And if so, how can I get rid of this?