Partner of 14 years acting strange, found sexual messages, and I feel completely stuck. Looking for perspective.
I’m a gay guy in my early 40s and have been with my partner for 14 years. Lately things have felt off, and I’ve been quietly paying attention to patterns for a while now.
If I so much as glance at another attractive man, he gets upset and asks if that’s what I want instead of him. Meanwhile, our sex life has basically disappeared. I’ve felt lonely and, honestly, a bit used emotionally. And honestly, I feel used financially. I’m the one who carries the brunt of the expenses for everything.
Recently, after a series of arguments about intimacy and trust, I made the decision to look at his phone. I know that’s controversial, and I’m not proud of it. But what I found shook me. He’s been having explicit sexual conversations with other men for years. This was an issue once before, and I truly believed we had worked through it. Now it looks like the behavior started up again not long after that.
What makes it even more confusing is that he’s very vocal about not wanting an open relationship and even mocks the idea. So there’s this strange double standard where he polices my behavior but is secretly crossing boundaries himself.
I’m hurt, angry, and embarrassed. Some of the conversations were with people we both know, which makes it feel even more personal. After 14 years together, I never imagined I’d be here, questioning everything and wondering how much of our relationship has been real.
Love hurts right now. A lot.
And I’m struggling to figure out what the right next step is.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this, especially in a long-term relationship?
How did you decide whether to try to repair it or walk away? Happy to take to a private convo if you don’t want to add to the comments.