I’m jealous of the women who have help
Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how lonely motherhood would be. If I could do this all over again, I would not pick this. Mostly because there’s never any help or breaks.
A friend of mine has lived next door to her inlaws for the entirety of their marriage. They helped out quite a bit during her children’s young years. (She’s been married 20 years). A few weeks ago one of my twins was in the PICU for two weeks. I had no one to help me stay with my other twin so I could visit my baby in the hospital. I usually went at 10pm at night well after my husband got home so I could visit. My friend made all sorts of comments implying I’m a bad or neglectful mother for not visiting my twin as often as I should. I finally snapped at her “I don’t have help!”
I had one doctors appointment FOR MYSELF that I rescheduled SIX times because my mom kept canceling on me to come watch my twins for two hours.
Another friend of mine has a two year old. She has an older child as well. I reached out yesterday to see if her son could play with my son. Nope, she’s on a girls trip WITHOUT her kids!! Her mother stays with her kids. I met her through a volunteer job a few years ago, but I had to stop volunteering once my twins were born because, no child care.
Another friend of mine had a baby last year as well. Her mother and MIL took turns coming out to help her while she healed from a C section. I had a C section as well and even though they instruct you not to drive…. I was driving the day I was out of the hospital because I had groceries to buy, prescriptions to pick up, etc.
Yes my mom lives in town, about an hour away. But it’s pulling teeth to ask her to help me. And it’s not like I want to do anything like a lunch date, haircut, get nails done. No. I just want to go to the grocery store, or to my therapy appointments, or to refill my blood pressure medication. A few weeks ago I had a meeting at my son’s school because he’s struggling and we are considering holding him back a grade. My mom just cancels half an hour before. It was a meeting with teachers, the principal, these school “specialists” , like 6 people! The school let me do the meeting over the phone. And of course my babies cried the entire time in the background and I was barely paying attention.
Sure. I could PAY for help. Daycare. The kicker? My twins are NICU babies, extremely premature and have medical needs, stomach feeding tubes… a daycare won’t even take them.
So I’m home alone. And I mean really ALONE. My husband is out of town this week. Will get to go to dinners with colleagues, probably have drinks at some point. A full night of rest in a hotel. I’ll be at home, alone, with 3 kids, 2 of them infants.
My “breaks” normally consist of my husband watching my twins for an hour while I drive to Walmart, then sit in the parking lot for ten minutes before going in.
Why is this MY life!?!? I’m so fucking resentful I hate it. Sometimes at my husband, sometimes at my own kids, my mom, other women, God even. Like, am I ten years away from any normalcy?
I go to a mom’s group every Wednesday. They are nice moms. But everyone has eyes on me. I’m the only one with twins and there are around 30 women/moms. Everyone watches me struggle. Some offer a half smile of sympathy. Others a nod of pity. Others don’t even look in my direction.
Yes I know it gets easier. As my older son is 6 and is SO EASY. I hate that I gave up his easy/fun years in leu of starting all over with these medical needs babies, who are way far behind on every milestone, by the way.
Anyway. This post is way too long and I’ll probably delete it before I get hate messages from everyone. Thanks for letting me complain.