I come from a deeply homophobic country, where many people see homosexuality as a conspiracy to undermine the country and destroy the young generation. Realizing I was gay at 11 wasn’t something I could ever share, so I kept it to myself.
Some former classmates—very likely gay as well—never came out or showed anything explicitly, yet were still bullied and isolated. It didn’t take much: not being “masculine” enough, speaking too softly, or just seeming different was enough to make them targets. Watching that happen was painful, and I’ve always felt for them.
At the same time, I’m afraid of being treated the same way. So I’ve been pretending to be straight—talking with my straight male friends about girls around us, even discussing which porn actresses have the best bodies. But honestly, it’s exhausting. Living like this, constantly on edge and pretending, makes me feel a kind of loneliness I’ve never felt before.
Almost every late evening, that loneliness comes over me like a tide and almost drowns me. I can’t even fully make sense of what I’m feeling—is it numbness, pain, or something else entirely? I couldn’t tell.
So many times, I’ve wanted to tell someone what’s really going on inside me. But I know that the moment I do, I could lose everything—friends, family, any sense of belonging I have left. I’ve heard countless slurs and hateful things about gay people from the very people closest to me, and it’s terrifying. It makes me feel like being honest about who I am would mean destroying my entire life.
In places like this, being gay isn’t something you can take pride in. It becomes a constant, exhausting struggle with your own identity—a quiet kind of suffering you learn to hide, because even admitting it feels dangerous.
I don’t even know where to start or how to move forward from here. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?