I (M/32) pushed myself to get engaged to my partner (F/32). This was almost 1 year ago, and we've been together for 6.5 years total. I'm finding that I'm trying to convince myself that I'm with the right person rather than feeling it in my gut. Any advice?
My partner and I met when we were 25 and have had a 6.5 year relationship together (living together for most of it), now both 32. She is my first and only relationship. She'd had a few shorter relationships before she met me.
Our relationship has always had ups and downs. We hit a particularly rocky patch when she was in grad school, and our relationship became very imbalanced. Some of this imbalance was expected and planned. For example, I happily agreed to handle the bulk of our household chores during this time. But other parts weren't planned. She wanted me to re-read nearly all of her emails to check for mistakes, wanted my support on grad school assignments, and struggled with deep body image issues and disordered eating. She would panic when I would mention needing to go out of town for a weekend to visit family. And she was generally anxious and negative in a way that made me dread/delay going home to her. I wanted to help her and did, but also came to feel that I wasn't getting much from the relationship during that time.
I'm an easygoing person who doesn't need much in the way of emotional support. I'm usually feeling good so don't need someone to make me feel better because I'm feeling bad. Rather, I just want a partner who can amplify my joy when I'm feeling good. And during this grad school window, I explicitly felt the opposite. We'd be on our way to spend time with friends, and I'd go from being excited to feeling brought down by my partner's negativity on the way. I'm by no means saying that I expect her to be "happy" all the time. Just that I'd ideally want more of that joy amplification experience.
This set of experiences left me with a sense that my partner was anxious, not independent, and not good for me. I did eventually hit a breaking point and explicitly communicate that needs of mine weren't being met. She amazingly took ownership, agreed that she hadn't been good to me, restarted therapy, and really worked on managing her anxiety not just for me but for herself. And with enough time, I did feel a change. This is where the good in our relationship shows.
There's a lot of other good in our relationship, too. We're aligned on what we want in life, e.g., kids (I always wanted them, she began unsure but eventually arrived at really wanting them per her own journey). We've navigated coming from different cultural/religious backgrounds (neither particularly religious, but both keen on honoring and continuing the traditions that resonate with us as well as partaking in each other's traditions). Communication has always been a strong suit. Good romantic/physical chemistry. We like each other's friends and have integrated deeply into each other's lives.
But I still can't shake off some of the perceptions that I formed while my partner was in grad school. I want to feel in awe of my partner but often don't and feel a lot of guilt about that. Things that still come up more often than I would like are:
- Her accidentally bringing me down when we're on our way to a social activity, and I go from my default "happy" state to one that's been dampened.
- Her needing support feeding herself in the daytime (mildly disordered eating).
- Her equilibrium being so easily thrown off (too cold or too hot outside, rumination about a small social interaction, fear and anxiety about any and everything).
- Her being fearful of so many things. Any one of these would be totally fine in isolation. It's the aggregate that bogs me down. Her fears include flying, cars, more outdoorsy activities, etc.
These are all small in isolation, but in aggregate, I can't help but wonder if we both might be able to find a better match out there. This is where this relationship being my first and only exacerbates the problem.
We've had a few moments where we nearly called it, but I backtracked. As noted before, there's plenty of good in the relationship. I also haven't been able to handle seeing my partner cry so intensely when we've begun discussing ending things and am a people pleaser (my own problem for sure). I also get deeply attached to people and memories and feel deeply saddened by the idea of stepping away from her, her friends that are now my own, and all our shared memories.
We proceeded with an engagement nonetheless. And the start was extremely hard from an internal turmoil perspective. I wanted to give my partner what she wanted (commitment, kids, etc.) with the hopes that my internal rumination would quiet down over time. And it has to a degree, but the rumination persists. We're both aware that our engagement hasn't felt like the typical "excited" engagement. (We know that we only see the surface level of other relationships/engagements, but still.) On the positive side, we're able to talk openly about these feelings, even if hard. Wedding planning is more seriously underway now, and we've booked a venue.
A last note: Close family believed I wasn't with the right person and tried for some time to convince me of such but has since shifted to trusting my judgment and being fully supportive. Irony is of course that my judgment has always been conflicted.
I'm in therapy, working on finding my peace with this relationship. My partner is ultimately deeply caring, apologetic for the mistakes/imbalances of the past/present, and wants so badly to make things work. And I want to give her what she wants. I also recognize that part of what she wants, in addition to a marriage and kids, is a marriage to a partner who wants her as equally as she wants them, which I've not always been able to give her.
I'm exhausted by my rumination and would love some advice on how to move forward and/or frame things. I hear so much advice to "just listen to my gut" and my gut has been conflicted for a while. I also think I have something really good and don't want to throw it away and restart at age 32 and make my partner whom I care for deeply do the same.