I’m going to keep details as vague as possible. I’m asking here because I feel like I want a more balanced perspective rather than just “leave him” as so many on reddit do. If that is the advice, that’s the advice but I want it from someone who has gone through life, through hardship… maybe also from the perspective of the terrible economy we are in right now and not to blow up my family’s life.
I’ll start at the beginning. Initially we had a fairy tale romance. I’ve always been into older men, maybe not this old, but he was handsome and fit, extremely charming, funny, and the most emotionally intelligent man I’d ever met. Yes he is also wealthy however, if he wasn’t all those other things we never would’ve lasted. I had a 6 year ex fiance before him. We’re both doctors, however he is the practice owner and therefore my boss. Which complicated things but did make it exciting at the start. I, and my mum did foresee some serious complications arising from this and she tried warning me but I was in love. Again, The age gap thing really never bothered me in the moment, he was handsome as hell!! So please don’t see this as some sort of grooming thing, I perused him very hard as well. It might have turned into grooming (maybe an another word?) later on though as you will see
He has two adult children from previous marriage and they live with us. They barely see their mum. Yes she has some serious flaws but I suspect some alienation from dad played a part. He talks badly about her all the time. Normal in divorce I suppose.
I saw some serious issues arising while living with him and his children and just as I decided I wanted to leave, I had fallen pregnant. I really wanted to keep the baby but I was so so so close to not.
These issues are
his enmeshed relationship with his adult children causing him to put me at the bottom of the priority list (did not used to be the case before I moved in), wanting to do everything as a blended family rather than carving out time for me. I felt this is so weird with his older kids. This has only gotten worse with the baby as now they have rights to their half sibling. I try to keep the peace mostly, we have an ok relationship due to this but I bottle it up most of the time. One of the conditions that I had when I had a child with him was that we were to spend some time as a family of 3 without his other two (again they are adults!!) every week. This is not happening. I don’t think they’re moving out for another 7-10 years. And he’s even said to us “you better get used to each other”
Concerning power dynamics where I feel like I’m on eggshells around him all the time, I can never say how I feel without him saying something along the lines of “I can’t deal with this right now. If you knew what I was going through”. He has some serious financial issues right now but I will get to it. But despite the current situation, he honestly, except for the first few months to a year, really wanted to deal with my feelings. I can’t even dare touch issues regarding his adult kids or parents treatment of me.
Again with the power dynamics, feeling like my career or job is not safe should I want to leave him. Also feeling like he would blow up and get extremely aggressive if I were to leave. I know he has it in him to be vindictive however he actually did give his ex a really good payout didn’t hide any money or anything. I’m currently on maternity leave and want to return to work soon but not even sure if I should go back with all these thoughts I have right now, or if I should look for work elsewhere. Which by the way, he wouldn’t allow as he thinks it’s absolutely a terrible look if I weren’t to work in his practice. I do agree with that.
Not having a sex life anymore at all, it’s been the worst it’s ever been postpartum and during pregnancy. But before that I was the one who had to bring it up constantly. Only the first 6 months were okay. He cites job stress , but I feel like it’s always been there…
Worry that he will poison the relationship with my child over time as I saw he did with the ex. MAY not have been fully his fault like I said, but he does not treat me as an equal parent and often it’s about “teaching” me parenting as he has already done it. He’s not too bad about it right now as he is out of his depth with a baby however I guarantee you it will get worse as our child starts talking and walking.
He has severe financial issues right now and debt coming from left right and centre. I feel very guilty having the thoughts I have about leaving and leaving with his child might be just enough to push him off the edge. But in my heart I feel like… these financial issues existed from the beginning, way predating our relationship. Not nearly to this extent and I wasn’t really even that aware of it. But as time went on it got worse, but he also let me more into how bad it’s getting. This is NOT why I want to leave. I’ve had thoughts about wanting to leave predating my pregnancy as you’ve read.
The practical issue of aging, the sex life will only get worse, his energy will only get worse, I will have to remarry anyway in mid life, I will have to take care of him for many years. Although he is very healthy right now and his father is very healthy and still lives on his own. My attraction to him will probably get worse as well as the aging process speeds up. It might be the fact that we’ve stopped being intimate but I’ve already started losing attraction to him.
I want to leave as my baby is still young, while I’m still young. I won’t think about dating again for a long long time, and want to focus on my baby and my career.
Something is just telling me I need to get out within the next year.
Again please just give me a balanced perspective. He’s not a terrible person, and everything he does is for his family.
Please be respectful I’m just a girl who had dreams of a family, I never had any ill intent and I DO not want any money out of him. If I get 0$ I would still want to go. As long as my career stayed in tact of course.
Thank you