Alt account. This has been playing over and over in my mind for the past few weeks, and gradually as I've put things together I've realised there was a moment offered to me that I didn't take and it's crushing me.
The most amazing person joined my workplace. I quickly started to fall for them. I hadn't been there long when they joined, so they got to see me gradually becoming more comfortable with myself in these surroundings as well. But they're so unbelievably cool - and I thought this before I found out about their other job. Easy to talk with, effortlessly charming. So I had to try really hard to play it cool around them. Towards the end I couldn't really look them in the eyes because I knew I'd get lost in them - but other than that I played it pretty cool (I think). As the weeks went on, I started to get the sense they might be a little interested in me too - subtle movements, moments when our eyes made contact, sometimes it felt like we spoke without talking (lol is that really cringe?)
(Important info: to be honest, they're in a relationship, but it doesn't seem healthy regardless of my crush. I rlly dont know the status of that tho)
We weren't working togehter for long because they had to go abroad for another job for a month or so, and they won't be returning to this workplace when they get back. (I campaigned for their return but the boss said no)
But towards the end of their time working here, we would hang out a bit after our shifts (with other people as well). One evening after our shift there was a moment when this person I like played a song that I didn't know, but that I really should have known. It's not like it's an obscure song, I've just been out of the loop culturally for a couple of years (most of my friends were international students, and I was knee-deep in studying). Having listened to the song since (almost on repeat), it really speaks to a sense of wanting to say something to a crush, wanting to forget what others think and wanting to leave together, but being too shy. Towards the end of that evening, this person went to leave and invited me to go with them. And - just like in the song - I froze and didn't go with them - worried about what our manager would think and not wanting to leave him on his own.
If I knew this song or listened properly to the lyrics things would have been different.
At the time I was proud of myself for playing it cool. I thought: "Realistically what would I have done? Walk with them for a bit, obviously not go back with them because they're in a relationship, not be able to talk to them properly and then go home? Nah, I played it cool. That's the best move."
Now that I've properly listened to the song (which might have been nothing, or might have been a gigantic hint) all I can think about is what might have happened if I had walked out with them that evening. I'm such an idiot.
They will be back in the country in a couple of weeks, so maybe something like this will happen again.
If I get another chance, I'm going to take it no questions asked. I will still have to play it cool for the most part, but if this person offers me a chance (even if it's subtle again), I will take it. I just hope they haven't forgotten about me, that they will want to meet up when they get back, and that it wasn't all in my head.
Open to thoughts, suggestions, comments, questions