I've had a serious crush on multiple girls in my life, but none was queer, as far as I knew. You know how it is, this stuff happens out of your control. And recently, yet another of my (very minor, short-term) male crushes mentioned having an ex-boyfriend. This has happened 4 times over the last 8 months, and I had no idea with any of them at first. It's not funny anymore.
To be clear, this long post is mostly a rant about my unfortunate taste that hopefully fellow bi people can relate to :') Also, I identify as nonbinary, slightly more femme leaning, and since my first language has assigned grammatical genders, no one ever thinks of me as anything else than a woman, however unfeminine. It makes stuff complicated, as I can't imagine dating strictly straight men or strictly gay women.
I have a few stories to share. The first person I was actually in love with (for more than 3 years) was a guy that's likely gay as well (he certainly never showed interest in women). One of the many rejections of my life. I was heartbroken for the next 9 months or so.
The problem is, I'm not too attracted to strongly masc guys, never have been. Tall, muscular, short hair, simple fashion, I find those features intimitating. I wouldn't settle for liking a guy who isn't a proud feminist, either. But that rules out more straight men than queer men, often leading to me accidentally crushing on guys who are strictly gay. Besides, I'm generally more drawn to women and nonbinary people. I do have a sort of a gaydar, though it's better at catching vibes. With some people, it's easy to tell they're queer from what they wear, the nicknames they prefer (when it comes to genderqueer people) or how they handle gender roles. I do notice these stuff. But these things aren't simple and sometimes you honestly have no idea.
The reason I'm making this post is not because of minor guy crushes or that one love I'm over. It's about my current interest in a woman who's my close friend. She's (a bit unfortunately) a part of my close-knit friend group and I haven't been able to tell if she's just an enthusiastic ally or queer herself (she's been avoiding the topic). I have no one to discuss this with.
I've been slowly falling for her for the last 6 months. I noticed it getting worse recently and I don't know how to overcome it when I see her so often (and I can't imagine my everyday life without her). I've been there, many times. But not lately as much (the long period of feeling kinda depressed after my dude rejected me prevented any crushes; the longest crushless period since puberty for me).
With this girl, let's call her Penny, we spent a lot of one on one time last year and she made me feel like she actually cared about my life. I make her laugh and I love that (she has a very hearty, unapologetic laughter). She's smart, confident, funny, friendly, she seeks out my company, replies to texts, genuinely compliments my outfits, likes a lot of the same (often queer-coded) TV shows that I do, she's into culture, history and languages. She says she doesn't like poetry, but she asked me to read my newest poem the other day. Our senses of humour overlap in a perfect place. She mock-flirts with me. She's short, wears glasses, and has beautiful thick calves. What's not to love?
In other words, she's my type. I took on parts of her accent after a few months of knowing her, I just loved the way she spoke. I think about her at weekends, sometimes she magically feels it and texts me. I frequently dream about Penny – angsty nightmares, in which she's in danger, reliant on me, for some reason. Or sexy dreams. Nothing in between.
Yesterday, she took a photo of me. I usually just stand there awkwardly and grimace, I don't like being photographed. But this photo was different from those my other friends took to embarrass my ugly ass.
I was looking at Penny holding her phone – and that bright smile I have in that picture as a result looks so dreamy. I actually looked happy.
I never caught myself being this obvious about a girl before. It honestly scared me. I don't think she knows, I'm just a tad friendlier to her than to other friends. The problem is, another member of the friend group mentioned she heard from Penny that there was a girl in her life at some point. So now I don't know if I should get my hopes up or nah. I'll probably just try and hide my feelings from her anyway. No good would come out of it. I don't wanna ruin any friendships.
Idk, tell me what you love about your crushes. Need to see other people talking about feeling affection that hasn't been dealt with yet.