Coachella made me realize I need to break up with my friend. Advice on how I (31F) should end things with (29F)?
Hi. I need some advice on how to break up with a friend. I (31F) have a friend (29F) “Sally” who I have been friends with since college. We were very close during college. We have drifted a little since we graduated (life and COVID happened) but we still see eachother frequently enough.
Context: we met during study abroad, I had never experienced alcohol/sex so I wanted to try it all. I was messy during college- I had no experience with relationships or alcohol and I was dangerous and irresponsible with both.
I look back on so much of what I did and how I acted and I want to crawl in a hole. She was my partner in crime during most of it. She reminiscences fondly over this era. I do not.
She was the “stable” one in college. Well, more stable than me at least. She was in a monogamous relationship with “Mark”. They were that couple that broke up twice a month and fought publicly. Going out with them always meant enduring weird hostile vibes and whispered bickering. It became a joke with our other friends. “Oh Sally and Mark are at it again.” (Or maybe we made it a joke to cope with the deeply uncomfortable vibe)
Now I can see it for what it was. A toxic and borderline abusive relationship. It was always Mark walking on eggshells. He was never the one initiating the hostility. That was Sally.
I hung out with her recently- we went to Coachella together with her new boyfriend and his friends- and I had the WORST time of my life. Hanging out with her feels different now than it did when we were young and I think I’ve pinpointed it down to the fact that I emotionally matured and she did not.
Bullet points as to why Coachella was a nightmare:
* day 1- found out my tickets were fraudulent. She went in without me. I waited in the parking lot in the sun for HOURS because she had hoped I could still bum a ticket off someone (??). She had the air bnb keys. I kept asking for them. She wanted me to jump the fence and break in. She wanted to try wristband swapping. I just wanted to go back the air bnb. But again. She had the keys. That was the whole day until I finally walked to the air bnb at 9pm. She apologized for how bad my day was.
* I really really tried to go home the first night but we carpooled and I had no way home. She convinced me to stay because she found me another ticket and offered to pay for it.
* The only time I was having fun at Coachella was when I was by myself. (But overall 0/10 never doing that shit again I don’t know why people enjoy Coachella)
* On the drive home with her and her boyfriend “Caleb”, she asked me to put on noise cancelling headphones so she could fight with him. Insane thing to ask your friend, but sure, why the fuck not. How could it get any worse? (They did NOT noise cancel)
* I had never truly experienced firsthand how she argues with her SO but I can say in near confidence that she is not fit to be in a relationship and she needs some serious therapy for her behavioral issues. I pretended to be asleep for 3 hours while she berated this poor guy for forgetting pillows at the air bnb (seriously). She was sobbing hysterically and likened him forgetting pillows to thinking she is a worthless POS. It was narcissistic abuse.
And for context her previous partner “Mark” her new partner “Caleb” are both super nice guys. They’re genuinely good people. They do not deserve how she treats them.
Since Coachella she has been reaching out and wants to hang out.
I don’t want to just ghost her, and allowing things to naturally drift off is hard because she still makes an effort to hang out.
I want to write her an explanation breakup text but I want to give her some context as to why. The reason for wanting to break things off is more than me just having a bad time at Coachella. It’s a pattern of behavior with her partners that is genuinely upsetting to be around.
She can be emotionally unregulated in a way that makes me think she has BPD. When we first met she jokingly told me that she doesn’t fight with friends and she saves that for her boyfriend. Nearly 10 years later I understand it was not a joke.
There is no easy way to send a break up text but I would like some advice if anyone has done it before.
Extra deets:
(Her previous partner Mark had to use a therapist as a mediator for their break up 2years ago. She didn’t give me details on that, but she has threatened self harm when he tried to break up with her in the past which is probably why their toxic relationship went on so long).
I genuinely think it will be just as difficult for Caleb to breakup with her too.