I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little over a year. I genuinely love her. That’s what makes this worse.
Last September I changed offices and met a girl there. We became friendly pretty quickly. Around Diwali, I invited her over to my place in Bangalore. I honestly didn’t plan anything. We had dinner, watched a movie, drank whiskey, and things escalated. We kissed, and then ended up sleeping together.
What shocked me was how intense it became after that. She stayed for two days, and basically all we did was have sex the entire time. After that, it became a regular thing. She would come over to my flat, I’d go to hers, and we just kept doing it over and over again.
The worst part is: she knew from the beginning that I had a girlfriend. I told her clearly. Later on, she told me she wanted a real relationship with me, but I said no because I didn’t want to leave my girlfriend.
We’ve tried to stop multiple times. Every time we say “this is the last time,” we somehow end up back in bed together again. At this point it feels less like a decision and more like a loop neither of us knows how to break.
Now things are even messier because I had to temporarily leave my flat, and for the past month I’ve been staying at her place. My girlfriend has no idea. I’ve been lying constantly.
The office girl says she feels disgusted with herself because she thinks I only use her for sex. Honestly, I understand why she feels that way. I do care about her, but not enough to commit to her, and I know that’s unfair. At the same time, I still love my girlfriend and don’t want to lose her.
I know I’m the villain in this story. I know people will probably say I’m selfish and cowardly, and they’d be right. I think what scares me most is that I’ve become comfortable lying while acting normal in front of everyone.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. Maybe I just needed to finally say it somewhere anonymously because it’s eating me alive.