I (F27) am starting couples therapy with my partner (M29) of 6 years after his depression-fueled doubts.
I (F27 have been with my boyfriend (29M) for six years (living together for three). We own an apartment and a dog. We’ve always been "relationship goals" to our friends, and he feels like home to me. However, this past winter was brutal. Both of us went through depressive episodes. I’ve recovered well through therapy, but he is still struggling with anxiety-driven overthinking and is on medication.
A month ago, I told him about his lack of initiative. He then admitted he’s been having persistent doubts about our relationship—even when his mood is neutral. It felt like my rose-colored glasses were ripped off. We have been talking about engagement and getting married last summer. I’ve been in a grieving process ever since. We start couples therapy next week.
Social Safety & Respect: Sometimes I feel like I embarrass him. In social settings or over dinner with friends or family, he might give me "the look" or a tap or a nudge. I have addressed this to him. Confrontation is never a problem, he has gotten better but he still does it sometimes.
Presence vs. Distraction: While he’s trying to be more present, I often feel like he’s glued to his phone. It feels like he’s not actively listening, and I end up carrying the conversation alone. I just want to be seen. We have had a lot less deeper conversations and things like that. He is aware of this himself, but I haven't seen any improvements.
The "Minimum" vs. "High Expectations": I’ve been questioning if I’m too demanding regarding quality time. I often suggest things, hoping he’ll take the initiative to finalize the plan. I’m happy with the small things, as long as we are both present. But I’ve realized I don’t want to lower my standards—wanting a partner who is interested in me and wants to spend time with me is the bare minimum. If he can’t give me that, is this the right relationship?
Conflicting Values (Travel & Finances): We struggle with priorities. Sometimes it feels like saving money is more important to him than the memories we could create through traveling together. I have mentioned wanting to take a vacation multiple times, during one of the conversation during this period he said that sometimes when we travel together he has a lot of fun during the travels but he is unsure if that's is how he would like to spend the money. This part felt quite hurtfull. Like do you even like me? Although we have booked to smaller trips in the next months or so, I feel like that is positive?
Physical Connection: I feel like he has lost interest in me. There’s less touch, and I fear he isn't as attracted to me as he used to be. And not to sound cocky but I know I'm beautiful and funny and smart and silly. The sex life is also non existent btw.
Personal Insecurity: I recognize my own struggle with low self-esteem. I need to work on not being so dependent on his validation, though his recent doubts have made this much harder.
Are we lacking shared interests, or is it a fundamental lack of shared values? I want to know if we can build a life where both feel inspired, or if we are simply too different. I love him and I want to commit, but I need to know if there is room for me and my needs in his future.
Has anyone else gone through a period where depression "poisoned" the relationship with doubt? How did you navigate the first few sessions of therapy when you felt this vulnerable?