u/FrostyFerret391

4th time posting on here in the last 4 days lol

I've know her for a little over a year, it's been strictly online for that entire time as we're both in different countries, she has autism, bpd, and she age regresses due to trauma. I love her a lot, but I just don't know if a relationship is something I want, like ever, I feel bored of her, and I don't want to hurt her anymore like I have in the past with my insecurities and I don't want to hurt her by leaving her either because I genuinely don't think she can live on her own, but I dont think I can deal with her. Im only 17, I want experience in life, I wanna experiment with what I want. I want to have a glow up and be able to talk to who I wanna talk to, bc I dont know if she is the person for me. I don't rlly know, I guess I just don't want her anymore but I don't wanna hurt her when I leave her, I know I'm toxic but I need to be alone to fix that, this is my first relationship btw so it hurts even more

I've been rethinking my relationship with my partner recently, a lot has happened in the last weeks but as of right now everything has been put behind us and she's vowed to improve. My other posts on this reddit have the rest of what's happened if you feel like diving that far down. But basically, I might be feeling a bit trapped? Recently I've been msging another person, who msged me first when they saw one of my posts, and it's made me realize that I can be loved by anyone basically, and that there are other people out there. My partner has lots of mental issues, autism, BPD, age regression, and they all make this harder than I feel like it has to be. She said that she doesn't want friends, and that she only wants me, and that she wants me to take care of her, and get married within 3 years. I just feel kinda trapped I guess, I know I'm probably just lusting over this new person I'm msging but I feel like a life where I do things with lots of people, maybe even some guys, is something I would enjoy, and I don't know if that's smth I can get while in this relationship

I'm at school rn so I'm gonna try my hardest not to break down even though I feel like it, I made a post on here yesterday about feeling like I want to break up with my partner, I got lots of comments telling me I should, and whenever I made the post, I felt good about wanting to, but so much has happened since then, and I just miss her so much, I didn't go through with it, I cant go through with it. I'm so done with school, It causing me so much stress on top of everything else right now. I just want my babygirl back.

None of this is hate towards her

She has a lot of mental issues, autism, BPD, age regression, and probably more that aren't as obvious like psychopathy since she doesn't feel sorry for others and can't empathize or feel basically any emotion other than good and bad. She messaged those people so she could play overwatch with them, and them being creeps, they ended up doing sexual things with her, and I'm almost certain she never asked them to do anything, they just did, even when they knew she was in a relationship. Because of her age regression, I take a parental role in the relationship, and I'm fully okay with that, but she doesn't seem to be able to realize that those people weren't her friends and that they were just taking advantage of her naiveness. I wish she would understand and respect me and listen to me. I get aggressive sometimes, I'm toxic and controlling, I need to work on myself so much but I genuinely don't know how to, I need to be a safe space for her so she trusts me and listens to me, but we both don't know what she will do while I work towards that, because if she finds other friends, they'll do sexual things together and make me feel like shit again. She ended up blocking them all last night after we both had breakdowns and arguments over it, and she was really sad over it because it felt like I was forcing her to get rid of her only support system, even though they weren't even her friends, they genuinely were taking advantage of her.

Genuinely how do I move on. How do I gain her trust. How do I destroy this agresssive and abusive part of myself and become the person I wanna be. I'm scared of losing her, yesterday was such an emotional rollercoaster because we were literally talking about getting married to save her from her family and move her out with me, but even that feels like controlling behavior to her, and like I wanna trap her, how do I not trap her. How do I help her feel safe. She's said before that she doesn't want friends if you can't do freaky things with friends like cuddle and kiss them, but is that something she can work through in therapy?? I don't know anymore, I just want my babygirl back.

Any advice is welcome, but try to think about things in a positive light because I'm in no situation to leave her right now, I've got graduation to worry about. I'll answer any questions in the comments too. Thanks

I think it's the best cause of action honestly, but I just feel like I wouldn't know what to do with my life if I did, so much of me has been revolving around her for so long, and I don't know what I would do without her honestly, she makes me so happy, atleast she does whenever I think she loves me, but recently, she's gotten this idea and it's just like, completely changed her.

She's like actively telling me she's a slut, she added some other guys and we played with them for a while but she ended up doing sexual things with them on voice call together, like all 3 of them separately, and it's honestly hurting me, I kept trying to rationalizes staying with her, like, "oh if I feel better about myself and become more confident or get her to respect me she'll stop" but I'm fed up with it now.

Im honestly just scared about what I'll do in my life without her, I've bought her so many things, I have so many things I planned to bring with me when I came to see her, and I don't know how I would move on. But I'm thinking I'm gonna.

It's gotten to the point that in literally shaking everyday, barely eat, and get maybe 4 hours of sleep because I stay up so late, or end up waking up 20 times throughout the night

I just wanna know if there's hope for me after all of this, obviously I'll take some time to heal and move on, but is there hope? I don't have any friends other than her cousin and friend group so it's scary leaving her because then I'll have nobody at all. How soon after this happens should I try again? Do I just let life figure that out for me? I'm gonna miss her so much

She's from Canada, I'm from the US, Our relationship is only online at this point but we've been talking for a year, Im 17M, She met this dude on a reddit post looking for people to play overwatch with on about a week ago now. We all played together that night, but it was late and i was tired, so i went to bed at around 10, They then stayed up until around 3am or maybe even later, and after i went to bed, i admit i did spam her with messages looking for reassurance and love and care, because i was scared she would do stuff with this random guy yk? And a bunch of different factors came together to make her feel okay with him doing sexual things with her, No video or pictures, only audio, but they touched themselves together. I felt betrayed the next day when she told me about all of this, and she gave me an ultimatum of something like "Either you're okay with me doing sexual things with other people when i want, or we're breaking up". ASSUMING everything shes told me is 100% correct, which i feel it is, because shes a really bad liar and i trust her dearly, She did all of this because she felt that im not trying enough in our relationship. She had talked with the other guy about how he treats his girlfriend, and she envied that i guess? she saw how much he was working towards a future with his girlfriend and wanted me to put in the same effort? I completely understand where shes coming from, because i NEED to start putting in more effort in life, but its just the way she went about it thats making me feel really unsafe around her now. I've vowed to not spam her anymore, and we both talked about taking a break for around a week to work on myself, but im still having thoughts that she'll do stuff like that again during the break.

I honestly dont know what i want from this reddit post, reassurance i guess? If anyone else has been through something like this please let me know. I know its not as serious as irl cheating which is why its making me feel so conflicted, But im just so scared that she would still want to do stuff like even if i put in more effort, or that she wont feel sorry for what she did. I've been needing to be a better boyfriend for her for such a long time, but i never realized it was this serious i guess. I dont know if im in the wrong or not but this is a hurtful situation and i dont know how to go about it after the break. I dont want to leave her, truly, I do feel we can improve and recover from this because i DO forgive her for what she did that day, and because it wasnt as serious as it could have been if it were irl. But im just worried about the future from here on out and if anything will change or if she will continue to act like this