Moving away from enmeshed family
I moved to another city with my spouse a few hours away from family. We both received new job opportunities with higher pay and better commutes and were able to buy a home. It’s a safer, quieter, affordable life for us and we are happy here.
The level of guilt tripping and emotional manipulation we’ve faced in light of this move has been beyond my wildest imagination. My spouse is now the scapegoat that has taken me away from the family. I have been told that I abandoned them, I don’t have values, I’ve betrayed our family and the way I was raised, and I will suffer and be alone without them. These messages are being spread like wildfire across extended family and friends. Despite all this, I still call, I still visit, I still make an effort. And I get belittled, berated, yelled at, and guilt tripped, while receiving no effort for a loving relationship on their end.
I just learned about enmeshment and it feels like I’ve finally been seen and understood with regard to my family dynamic. Years of not having the space or freedom to develop my own personality and identity outside of the family system because of my label as the compliant child and peacemaker. If you go against the grain, display any kind of independence, disagree with the opinions of the system, make decisions that the system disapproves of, or don’t have physical proximity, then you are apparently undeserving of love and a place at the table. It is very hard to accept the idea that love will be withdrawn if you don’t comply.
I’m working with a therapist to deal with the aftermath of recognizing this reality. I really just want to stop feeling the intense guilt and shame of not being who they want me to be, and finally focus on creating my own life and identity outside of that system.