Question, please help, again.
Original post just disappeared, don't know why, sorry in advance for the long post.
Since last september, my mind is being bombarded with non-stopping thoughts that made me borderline depressed of how anxious and nervous they are making me. It all started while I was scrolling and a gay guy appeared, my mind then told me "now that you've looked at him, you 've become gay". I had to do a specific ritual, to undo that, and that happened multiple, times even when my mind just randomly throws the word "gay" I have to do a ritual to undo it, and then, it september, a friend of mine threw a gay joke and my anxiety raised up to the roof. I couldn't stop the thoughts, and had to test myself with gay porn (I've always been attracted only to women from as long as I can remember, from the earliest memories, had high libido for them, enjoyed watching straight porn with lots of beautiful women, had a lot of crushes on women, several relationships, had sex only with women). I watched it and I felt so disgusted I became nauseous, from september to the end of november, I tested myself, and nothing, not one reaction. To "pass the test" has gotten increasingly harder, first not getting hard was enough, then my penis had to shrink (yes, you've read that right) all the way into a turtle position, then it had to shrink at a certain speed, etc. The thoughts kept telling me "you were anxious, that's why you had no reaction, test again" until utimately it made me do another type of test. When I was 10, 3 times in total, I wanked, 2 times to a same sex fantasy, and 1 time to a trans woman (woman with male genitalia). I didn't think anything of it at that time, nor did I felt romantically or sexually attracted to any men at any point in my life, including that period, I just wanked it and that was it. So the next test was to fantasize about those particular fantazies to test myself, and I did, the first one nothing nad the second one I and got an erection. That was one of the worst days in my life, I couldn't eat, sleep, study, socialize, I couldn't function simply put. I proceeded to test myself with that same fantasy over the next months, and never ever got a reaction again. Then I googled "OCD made me gay" and found out about HOCD. I've learned about arrousal non-concordance, false attraction and the groinal response. I thought I've figured it all out and that it was just a one time thing, I told myself to never ever test again, and that all of this would pass. But the anxiety, the stress and the thoughts didn't fade away, I continued watching gay porn, and in march, I got a 10% increase down there and spiraled into craziness, I got a panic attack. I've managed to overcome that somehow, but the mind was telling me " the truth is coming out, one time attraction can be false, but another time? No, it can't be, you are a bisexual that's been closeted and repressing that his whole life".My mind was telling me the next test is (since I had that fantasy when I was 10) trans stuff, so then I've tested with trans, pornography, and got an erection and masturbated, it felt so wrong, and after that, I fantasized about trans stuff again to test myself, and didn't get a erection again. Then, I've read somewhere that straight guys cannot get hard nor ejaculate to gay porn no matter how hard they try, so I tested with that, wanked a bit, eventually got hard and ejaculated, it all felt so unnatural, so wrong, so automatic, it didn't feel good at all, it felt the complete opposite from good. I've also made a post here before, and in other subreddits, had a talk with 2 gay individuals that told me that they are sure that I am neither gay nor bisexual, and that this is HOCD. I've calmed myself down (btw everytime I "pass a test", my anxiety instantly fades, and I feel so so good), again told myself to not test, but continued to, again. Yesterday, I was testing myself again, and got a 10% increase down there, then proceeded to forcefully masturbate to compare the feeling of that to the feeling I get while masturbating to straight porn, etc. Now, I feel lost, I just feel like if only I had stopped at the beginning that all of this wouldn't be happening. I didn't ever ever watch any gay pornography or trans pornography because "I was curious", I watched it solely to test myself and to prove myself that I am straight. My stomach hurts while I am watching it, it feels so bad, so wrong, and I don't enjoy it not even 1%. But my mind now has thoughts "you can't be straight, no straight person watches that stuff, nor gets any increase down there when watching, nor masturbates, nor ever tests himself like that". All of this has made my life awful, I can't see myself with a man ever ever, I don't want that, but I can't logically get out of this since I get thoughts "do you really not want that? maybe you want it but you don't have the courage to admit it, maybe you are lying to yourself". I've been in sports my whole life, and I've seen my fair share of buffed naked guys, I've never even thought about looking them never ever. I've always had high libido only for women, and I loved them so so much. So now I am afraid that all these reactions, and thoughts, aren't HOCD, but denial. I've had various OCD themes (health, death, etc.) and even remember having this at one time, when I was very young like 8, I watched a movie and the actor played a gay dude in the movie, and I looked at him and started crying because "I thought I became gay because I looked at him". I am also a heavy porn addict that moved from various categories, but only in straight porn, and it wasn't that kinky, I remember before when I didn't have all this anxiety, occasionally a gay porn thumbnail or something would pop up I'd immediately scroll away because I got disgusted, and never even thought about watching it. No matter how long I watch a gay porn, I cannot get hard, not even 50% hard, not even 30%, only those 10% occasionally sometimes not even that. When I switch to a straight one, I immediately get hard. It feels like only if I had just stopped all of this testing, everything would be okay. I can never imagine myself with a man, and don't want that, but these thoughts keep telling me "can you really not? what if you can?" and it gives me so much anxiety.
What do you guys think, sorry for the long post.