I want to take a drop year, but can I?
This was really hard to post and I'm being vulnerable right now please don't be harsh.
My story:
I did good in 10th and 9th. After 10th I was obviously enrolled in jee coaching. But it was the worst batch you could get. Ordinary school with 3 hr coaching after school. The school and coaching institute had no ties. So I had to spent 7.30 am to 3.30pm at school then 4.30pm to 7.30pm at jee coaching. In 11th I did pretty ok not a lot of backlogs. I finished the almost all the backlogs I had in the time before joining 12th.
And I became severely depressed mid 12th. At that time I hated myself to the core. School and coaching was getting exhausting. In addition to this I had no friends at school or at coaching. And all the isolation made me feel like a loser.
I was very depressed, I hated myself i wished I died. I would hurt myself with a blade on my thighs and would not allow myself to eat. I felt that a loser like me doesn't deserve food and I should starve myself to death. Also when I looked in the mirror I really liked how thin I was and it made me want to starve even more. I was disgusted at the thought of gaining weight. At that time all the starvation did a lot of damage to my body. I was slowing losing the ability to think. My mind felt very foggy. I was became very thin, at my lowest I was only 34 kg. (160 cm). I was physically in pain, my whole body was aching to the point sitting was unbearable. I couldn't walk cause i had no energy to. I was always thinking about suicide. And soon my mom noticed and took me to the psychiatrist. I was given antidepressants. The antidepressants made me gain weight fast. The psychiatrist wasn't doing anything other than give me medicines. He wouldn't really listen to what I had to say. And the weight gain made me hate myself even more so I stopped eating the medicine. That obviously made my depression worse but also the weight lose was enough to make me happy.
And a lot of stuff happened i don't want to go too deep into it. I lost about 4-5 months because of my depression. Now my thighs are filled with scars. And even now I'm skinny but I'm not starving myself to an extreme level. It was October when it ended and it was June when it started.
This 4½ months RUINED my jee preparation. I found it really really hard to catch up. I got depressed again in January 2026. I remember being in bed in pain and hunger just the week before my first attempt. I got 91.7 in January and in February I "moved" to smoking because I just didn't want to starve myself again. And in March last week I quit cause I felt like I am and I didn't smoke again after that. In my April attempt I got 92. And just like that my jee was over. I'm not in general category so I'm eligible for advanced. And I'm expecting 85-95% for my board exams. I'm ISC syllabus so my results aren't out yet
Now I'm preparing for JEE advanced and I realised a lot of those topics were actually not taught at my coaching even though it was jee advanced batch and I paid more than the jee mains batch.
Right now I'm thinking of taking a drop year at Brilliant pala for jee advanced. Also I tried 2015 jee advanced paper and got 126 and got 86 in 2024 paper. If I get under 25k rank for advanced I'll get 100% scholarship (everything including material fee, tution fee, hostel fee, food fee is covered in scholarship). Brilliant is the most reputed institution in Kerala. In jee mains and advanced the first 50 from Kerala will be students from Brilliant. And Brilliant also get 20-30 students under 1000 rank in jee advanced every year.
My question: Do you think I have the mental strength? Like what if I get depressed again? And also give tips to take care of myself.