Feeling shut down by my therapist
There’s a specific topic that when brought up in the past, my therapist has been kind of curt about. I’ve brushed it off when it’s happened before bc I’m known to overthink & see things that aren’t really there, but today it happened again & I just fully shut down & sobbed for the last ten minutes of our session.
I really like my therapist & she’s helped me a lot. But I struggle greatly with communication & people pleasing tendencies which is something we are working on. To feel rejected like this just makes me feel really sad & disappointed that it wasn’t handled more “gently” I guess, considering the things that I’m struggling with right now. I honestly don’t know why she doesn’t want to talk about this subject with me, it doesn’t make any sense at all to me. The times she’s shut the topic down in the past she’s said something along the lines of “why are we still talking about this”. The first time she said it I was taken aback & confused but I just kind answered the question point blank as best I could. She sometimes will ask “why” in a way to help me get to the answer myself, so I thought maybe that’s where she was going with this, but it wasn’t in this case. I don’t remember how I answered, but whatever I said made me realize she wasn’t doing the “why” thing bc she responded about how I should focus on controlling what I can control, & what am I getting out of still talking about this? I kind of moved on bc I didn’t really know what to say. I’m deeply sad about this topic & I want/need to talk about it, even though nothing has changed. I’m no where near over this situation & it comes up frequently in my head & sends me into complete fits of sobbing on a still somewhat regular basis.
I guess it has been a few weeks since this topic came up, so I must’ve forgot & brought it up again today & got hit with the “why are we still talking about this” again & I just like broke down. I didn’t want to be there anymore, I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, I didn’t want to think about hard things or even do the therapy anymore, I just wanted to lay down & sleep & or have a cocktail or watch tv or just be really anywhere else mentally. This was surprising to me bc generally I enjoy & look forward to therapy, even though I’m working through some pretty traumatic shit & it’s not fun for me. But I look forward to working on myself, learning about myself, & just working through things in general each week to get to a better place mentally. Now, all I want to do is cancel our next session. I’ve been in therapy for the better part of 10 years & this is the first therapist that has felt like an actual true fit & not just like “I will take any appointment available from any therapist bc I am struggling that bad”. It’s also the first time I can recall feeling like this after a session, though. I’ve literally been crying about it all evening.
I’m really disappointed & upset & I’m just not sure what to do or think rn. Like I said earlier I struggle greatly with communication, especially uncomfortable/confrontational “you did this & I don’t like that” communication, so I just feel like I’m trying very hard to overcome something deeply uncomfortable (& trauma taught) for me, towards the exact person who is supposed to be helping me through this issue. I am autistic & have some pretty extreme rejection sensitivity so I’m really really struggling to understand if I am reacting properly right now or being really overly sensitive & blowing things out of proportion.
To provide some context, it’s not like I’m bringing up my previous r-word or my si/sh that’s getting shut down, so it’s not like it’s the most traumatizing thing I’ve ever been through that’s she’s not wanting to talk about. But it’s something that deeply deeply upsets me to this day & although I don’t have control in the situation, I’m still wounded by it so I don’t think it’s fair to just kill the subject. Like I cry about this on a regular basis & think about it every day. I journal about it constantly, I’m talking 3-4 times a day about just this one topic. So I can’t control it & that remains true, but I’m obviously not coping with it well either & I don’t understand why that shouldn’t be important.
(Short version of “the situation”, I cut my sister off a few months ago bc of her behavior & treatment towards me over the last few years. I’m still really hurt by the situation as a whole, in addition to the deterioration our relationship has seen over the last few years. I’m still unsure if i made the right choice & contemplate on a regular basis writing her a letter to just better explain myself & where I’m coming from, in addition to what parameters would make me comfortable having a relationship with her again bc I don’t like feeling like the ball is idling in my court, I’d rather it idle in hers.)