Seeing someone new and I’m scared I will push him away because of my dissociation
I haven’t been in a relationship in 5 years because I felt like I was just too fucked up to be loved. I finally started opening my heart to a new connection and it feels *mostly* amazing. I have shared a bit about my struggles with dissociation & he was very understanding, which is wonderful. But I worry I will burn out before I can actually turn it into something.
Whenever we are supposed to hangout, I get incredibly anxious and have to give myself pep talks and work through some big feelings. By the time I am actually with him, I need to dissociate a bit because the feelings become too intense. This leads me to struggling to be fully present on our dates. I mask well so I don’t think he notices. But I will walk away immediately forgetting some of the things we talked about and I feel like I don’t even know what he looks like?? I know that sounds crazy but after 5 dates I often find myself trying to recall his face in my head and struggling to do so. Last weekend he stayed over for the first time (huge deal for me!) and we just spent the night kissing and cuddling, which was lovely. But even after hours of looking at him in that close of proximity, the next day I still couldn’t recall his face fully and he felt a little bit like a stranger again.
Can anyone relate? How did you handle things?