My (45M) wife's (40F) schedule changed last December and it feels like we've been drifting apart
My (45M) wife's (40F) schedule changed last December and it feels like we've been drifting apart
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sorry about formatting, reddit refuses to give me paragraphs.
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Married 15 years, 2 kids
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Sorry this is long
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TL/DR: wife's rarely home, lack of affection results feeling like roommates with a semi dead bedroom and me losing my mind and sleep
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She was a SAHM for up until 3 years ago. Got a part-time job that works with the school schedule that has a daycare to help when needed. A couple days during the week and occasional weekend day. She had to be there one night a week but started after I got home. After school activities were very manageable.
She was always done with work around the time i got home in the evening, i'd cook dinner and we'd eat as a family. a couple times a week we'd meet at the gym and spend time together there . We did all the sports and activities together. We were inseparable and best friends. Over the past 5 or 6 years, we've had maybe 3 or 4 real arguments.
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She had to find a new place for reasons and is going well. She doesn't get home most weeknights until after dinner, closer to 8 - 9pm. Those nights, she comes home and is almost immediately showering and getting ready for bed. She's missed some activities and I usually handle it all on my own.
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She also started another part time gig in the entertainment industry that has her out past midnight, a few times a month. This can be anytime during the week.
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This doesn't leave a lot of time for us.
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She is not an affectionate person at all and never initiates intimacy. I can't remember the last time she's actually hugged me and the last time she "initiated" was offering herself to me if i go to to store for something for her late at night (even that's not guaranteed).
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All of that is my responsibility. It has been a sore spot for 10 years. Yes, I know that's not how it's supposed to work. I've done my best to come to terms with this and I would show affection and my attempts to initiate a couple times a week results in sex once a week and me feeling what little love i can get from that.
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After we have sex, i feel great for about a week or two. After that, the lack of love gets to me and I begin to spiral. It starts out with getting distant, then apathetic, then it seems depression starts to settle in. It occupies my mind 24/7 and I usually lose a ton of sleep. I would snap out of it and the cycle would start over.
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This year is different.
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We've had sex 6 times since December. We went 8 weeks without me trying to initiate and when confronted, she said she wouldn;t have said anything.
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It's a touchy subject and when i try to bring it there are a handful of reasons she has for not showing any love. All are my fault. and i end up with a laundry list of things i need to do to fix it. I know it won't change anything but I still try. I'm not perfect, i know that. its things like sometimes i don't use the right words or my body language or facial expressions are "insulting", she thinks talk down to her or that she feels that I prioritize the kids or household schedule over her (I do this), or that i don't offer to go places when we're not doing anything on a lazy Sunday. I don't yell or swear at her, i've never been physically abusive with her.
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Every time we talk, i get defensive and we just start pointing fingers at each other. Everytime she brings something up, i feel like all she's doing is saying it's my fault and i get super defensive.
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I think she's confiding in another man and while he's married, it's something i don't think she's ever done before. he is also part of the entertainment gigs.
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How can I tackle this head-on without sounding like I'm attacking her? What can i do to try to convince her to show me even a little bit of affection?