I came home to balloons. Somehow balloons don't seem to fit the occasion but I do sincerely appreciate the gift. Celebrating a year of sobriety isn't exactly a celebration. Its more of a reflection on what things were like, on what happened, and on what things are like now. There's a sense of grief, not because I'm sad now, not because anything's wrong, or that this isn't a life I would choose, and that I love. Reflecting on this change makes me aware of all the broken pieces inside of me. Drinking and drugging wasn't my problem, it was my solution. I never wanted to face the things that I felt so much shame and guilt over. I never wanted to feel what it was like to be me. I was scared, I am scared. Celebrating a year is great and I am proud of myself. But recovery is about having rigorous honesty, and the honest part about this is that I'm still a broken, sad, and scared girl. I dont want to be hurt. I used to find a substance for the hurt and the pain the fear. Now I am physically safe but the past still looms in my thoughts. Instead of drugs, I have coping mechanisms. They help. I say the serenity prayer when something disturbs me. I evaluate if things are terrible horrible or the end of the world and if I can stand it. I take a breath when I feel overwhelmed. I attend meetings, I workout and I engage in spiritual things.
In the very beginning of sobriety, I thought a year would never come. It felt so far off, impossible. I thought I would have all the answers once I hit my one year mark. I thought everything would be better. Well, everything is better. Every aspect of my life has improved, but I am far away from having all the answers. And I am far away from healing all the broken little pieces inside of me. For me, hitting my year, has helped me to see what the problems are, to be rigorously honest with myself and others, and to apply healthy coping skills and utilize good tools to overcome the challenges that I have within myself and around me. Having a year of sobriety is like, finally being on the right road. Despite not having gone too far yet, at least I am off the wrong road.