I’m struggling with something I imagine many people here will understand.
I’m 51, and my relationship with my narcissist mother has been painful for as long as I can remember. There’s been a lifetime of emotional abuse, lack of support, and a complete absence of acknowledgment of who I am or what I’ve experienced. The kind of treatment I’m sure many in this group are familiar with.
Now she’s 78, in the hospital, and will need ongoing care. I live overseas in Asia, and for years I’ve thought the “right” thing might be to bring her here so she can have proper, full-time support.
But now that it’s no longer hypothetical, I’m realizing how difficult that would actually be for me.
We can’t even have a simple phone call without it affecting me deeply. I end up overwhelmed, upset, and it can take me days to recover. The idea of having her physically closer — and being regularly exposed to that dynamic — feels unbearable.
At the same time, I’m carrying a huge amount of unresolved pain, anger, and even hatred toward her. I don’t feel capable of just “burying the hatchet” without some kind of resolution — but I also know that resolution is unlikely. I’ve asked her to go to therapy with me, and she refuses.
As an only child, and essentially the only person in her life, walking away completely brings up a lot of guilt. But staying engaged in the same patterns feels like continuing to harm myself.
I do care about her, and I want her to be taken care of. But I also can’t accept being mistreated, ignored, or emotionally damaged in the process.
For those who’ve been in a similar situation — how do you navigate this? Is there a way to maintain some level of contact or responsibility without sacrificing your own well-being?