I (M29) have been with my girlfriend (F30) for around 15 months - it is my first proper relationship. Things were fantastic until around 5 months in when overnight I felt like I had lost attraction to her and was extremely anxious about having to end the relationship because of this. I fixate on her looks, weight and intelligence and constantly compare her to other women I see in the street, on the tube, anywhere!: “she’s better looking”, “look she has a better ass” etc. This is super distressing for me and makes me feel like a horrible person (maybe I am).
I found out about ROCD (at the time 5 months in) and honestly felt I ticked every box - I managed to resist the urge to end the relationship and got some broader counselling sessions around anxiety. This ‘worked’ for a while, before it came back with a vengeance - more counselling and again it helped, but reappeared strongly during times of stress (at work) and commitment milestones (booking holidays, seeing families over Xmas etc).
I have read multiple books on ROCD and meditated as a practice for a while now (also given up porn and have worked on reliance on other dopamine spikes), and was seeing (what I felt were) better results. I am yet to speak to doctors about antidepressants or similar, but I really do feel hopelessly depressed by it all.
This weekend it came to a head and I’m not sure I can see a way out anymore. I feel like I’m in denial about my attraction to her and I’ve only been staying in the relationship as it is my first one, it is important to me and I’m scared of being alone. I constantly find myself checking out other women (not that I’d ever act on it) and feel more attracted to women in the street than I do to my gf. I have come to the conclusion that I love her but I feel like I do not have the attraction and romantic feelings there for the kind of relationship we both want. This has been extremely distressing and sad for both of us and imagining my life without her makes me want to cry constantly.
Aware this post in itself is a compulsion, but I had to get it out. Any advice welcome