I lost my virginity at 18 and I’m unsure if I was raped
I’m 22 now (female). When i was 18 i was straight on the dating apps, very naive and vulnerable at first and i met a man who was 32 at the time who lived close to me. Me being young and extremely stupid i invited him over once when i was home alone. He came over and we were cuddling/kissing on the sofa. It quickly escalated. I told him I hadn’t had sex before and i was worried about it hurting. From what i remember there wasn’t really any foreplay he just tried to put it in. I was already tensed up because of nerves and it was extremely painful. As he was trying to put it in i said i wasn’t sure but he just shushed me. When it was in it was obvious i was in a lot of pain, i even started to bleed a bit afterwards. But he didn’t hold me down, and i never actually said ‘no’ or ‘stop’.
The sex itself was uneventful and bad, only lasted a minute and i was in pain for all of it. When he finished he just got up and left leaving me there, which for me i think was the worst bit. 3 years down the line and I’m currently under assessment for borderline personality disorder. My therapist and i are exploring what traumatic experiences i may have had as a teenager as my childhood was (uncharacteristic for BPD) very good. Very recently i’ve been having what i can only describe as flashbacks to when i lost my virginity, which do make me cry. But since the 4 years it happened it hasn’t seemed to consciously affect me much until now, maybe i’ve just suppressed it. This is not something i want to seek legal action for, I guess i just want confirmation. Can that be called rape? Or sexual assault? Or nothing at all? Could that have been potentially traumatic to me? Answers would be appreciated.