u/Fr0gg0bl1n

I’ve struggled with body image issues most of my life due to my mother and obviously mental illness but I feel like I used to be pretty at least. Now, I struggle a lot with lymph nodes and face weight due to constant vomiting, lack of sleep, and hypothyroidism. I constantly get hives and lose and gain weight a lot, like I’m constantly fluctuating. I also am constantly bloated along with constipation. (I’m worried I have h.pylori. Again) I just feel like being sick since my freshman year of college has stolen my youth and my beauty away and I just constantly feel so ugly and red all of the time. I already struggle to eat anything and keep it down but now it’s led to me not wanting to eat anything, especially because I find it’s becoming more and more difficult to find food that is both healthy and cheap. I don’t know, I’ve just noticed that this much going on with my physical body has me needing the control that an eating disorder promises.

Sorry about this, I just really need to rant and was wondering if I was alone in this feeling.

I’m sorry about formatting I’m on my iPhone and kinda just screaming into the void.

So I’ve been dealing with chronic hives for about 3 years at this point with help only really starting now. The hives used to be more treatable in the beginning and oftentimes mirrored allergic reactions where they would go down after hydroxizine (??) or Benadryl, they were also mainly JUST skin reactions in the beginning. So I’m three years down the road and I’ve had symptoms mirroring anaphylactic reactions (itchy and swollen lips, throat, eyes, etc) and have had a couple of different allergy panels done all with mismatched scores. I’m at my wits end, right now I’m on so many allergy meds along with steroids and they still won’t stop. I have other chronic stuff going on (like digestive issues, heart issues, asthma, thyroid issues, migraines, and bone problems) but the hives are there all day everyday basically. I wake up with hives, I shower and get hives, I go outside and get hives, I go to work and have full body reactions, I go out with friends and have to leave early because I’m getting hives. I can take up to 6-8 Benadryls and not feel a thing but crazy brain fog. Now it’s been focused on my eyes, my eyes are constantly swollen and I’m getting a crazy amount of cornea scratches that last for a couple of days. I’m not holding on well, I have a plethora of mental disorders to go along with the physical and it’s getting to a point, man. I’m 22 years old and I feel like my body is already giving up on me.
Im so tired of being sick, I graduate college on Saturday and I’m worried about not passing classes due to low attendance because of this stupid unnamed syndrome. I just don’t want to live anymore because it’s not like I’m living much anyways. Im sorry about this, i just don’t really want to keep complaining to the people in my life, i feel as though only my partner cares about me, my parents can’t give less of a shit about this stuff and I’ve lost so many friends recently. I’m just miserable so thank you if you read this post, I can explain more in the comments if you need.

I miss when my body was mine

Mine to hurt, mine to hold

Mine to keep even when it’s cold

Youth stored in my skin that shined with brightness unburned

Now I’m tethered to sickness at every turn

It just feels wasteful, potential all warped

This imaginary force, a life now corked

I miss the grass under my feet and the sun glazing over

Stuck at the window at 22 years old, waiting for the crossover

I’m just being nostalgic

For nights when water didnt burn and puff, i feel so sick

I want to be clean, for treatment to stick

I used to be nice, i used to be sweet

Now im just mean, now im stuck in the backseat

Pills, shots, appointments all week

For the hives make me weak, they make me so meek

I’m half the person I used to be

A half human with an untreatable plea

What am I supposed to do?

Grief consumes me, it’s all I know how to spew

My bones all ache, my skin it itches

Why did being normal miss me by mere inches?

So I miss when my body was all mine

And when things got better with time

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/0xJUtUkCxp

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/SGIGiE5Dnq

I miss when my body was mine

Mine to hurt, mine to hold

Mine to keep even when it’s cold

Youth stored in my skin that shined with brightness unburned

Now I’m tethered to sickness at every turn

It just feels wasteful, potential all warped

This imaginary force, a life now corked

I miss the grass under my feet and the sun glazing over

Stuck at the window at 22 years old, waiting for the crossover

I’m just being nostalgic

For nights when water didnt burn and puff, i feel so sick

I want to be clean, for treatment to stick

I used to be nice, i used to be sweet

Now im just mean, now im stuck in the backseat

Pills, shots, appointments all week

For the hives make me weak, they make me so meek

I’m half the person I used to be

A half human with an untreatable plea

What am I supposed to do?

Grief consumes me, it’s all I know how to spew

My bones all ache, my skin it itches

Why did being normal miss me by mere inches?