I have had this issue my whole life.
There are certain environments and people that love me, but when it comes to other environments and people outside of that, I am basically hated and I can’t function.
There are literally some people who love me and find me fascinating the minute I start talking. And I thrive in those environments, and my autistic traits don’t seem to bother them. They are overlooked and I am loved.
There are other environments and people who basically clock the autism immediately and hate me. I have been called crazy, and a red flag by these people, without these people even knowing me. Fucked up ain’t it?
I’m telling you right now, it’s like I’m either loved or hated and misunderstood. No in between. I haven’t had a decent friend since i was 14 because of this, and we grew apart when I was 16. She adored my autistic traits. Others hated them.
There are 9 billion people in the world, and I probably only really vibe with 300 of them. I’m not even joking.
The other day I was approached at university, and we exchanged instagrams. He was a bit persistent and intense, but he showed interest. The minute we started talking, things did not go anywhere and it was awkward and he complained about my autistic traits. When the interacted ended and we both went our separate ways, he unfollowed me on instagram. I want surprised.
This has also happened numerous other times. Either that happens, or people love me and are attached to me. I am telling you right now, I either vibe with someone immediately, or I am just hated and treated like I don’t exist. I know it’s technically not my fault because I have autism, but it’s really ate away my self esteem, and it’s probably the reason why I have depression, and have had it for YEARS.
It’s not fair. It’s not. But I know that it’s my my fault TECHINCALLY, it’s just a brain difference that I have. I can literally only function around certain people and certain environments. Other people just don’t vibe with me at all and hate me. The most I can do, is only be cordial with them, and not have any conversation with them, because that shit isn’t gonna work.
Not being able to vibe with most people for my whole life has deeply affected my well being, and self esteem. It got to a point where I thought about switching universities, because I thought that maybe if I was around different people I would find some that I actually vibe with. That’s literally how bad it got.
But yes, the last decent friend I had was back when I was 14. She was the only person I managed to vibe with my whole high school life. Just her. No other friends, no boyfriend. We grew apart at around 16, and I’ve been fucked since then.
My self esteem has really been eaten up by this, as I can literally only function around certain people and enviroments. It’s like my brain can’t function around people outside of them, and it just rejects it. I’m telling you right now, I don‘t vibe with most of the human population, and I can imagine how much that would affects someone’s self esteem. I mean, Jesus Christ.
Again, this technically isn’t my fault, but society doesn’t care.