Im thinking of applying for disability.
About 8 years ago I got diagnosed with ADHD. They had me do a focus test that lasted about an hour or so, and after the results came in the psycologist? Therapist? Person. Let me know that with my results I could apply for disability.
About 8 months ago I got fired from my job for being inconsistent. At the time I was, by the numbers, handling the highest amount of tickets on my team and had been for over a month. Like, I was handling 10+ tickets a day and everyone else was at 5, sorta thing. Perfect quality scores. It didn't matter.
Before that it was a job I struggled with but also, was considered one of the best, just inconsistent.
Before that job I was let go for basically the same.
Every year or so for the past 15 years I've been getting a new job to avoid being let go or fired for lack of just being able to always do enough.
I feel so broken. And non functional. I struggle so much and work so hard but I can't do it like everyone else. I'm beyond exhausted by the end of every work week, and wind up either missing a few days or just getting nothing done for a few days because I just can't.
On average I would miss or need to miss 2-5 days a month, which is just too much.
At this point, i really feel like I'm just as stupid and incompetent as I've always done my best to not be.
And sure maybe he was just an incompetent ass who I bailed out multiple times and took the fall for it anyways, but maybe he was also right.
I've burned through my savings, I can't find a job I think I'm capable of anymore.
12 years ago I had a boss tell me that "You're the reason social security exists. Some people just aren't cut out for it."
Maybe she was right too.
I'm tired and scared and broken.
I don't feel like I have other options.
I've gotten less resiliant over the years, not more. I don't think i fit anywhere. There just isn't a place for me to be useful the way anyone needs.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.