I read a lot of posts from trans femmes who feel stuck wearing their masc masks due to life circumstances or the repression of the world at large. I feel the ache of that trap and it is heart wrenching. I think I detect a theme in these posts and I think the trap (as real and difficult as it is) is experienced in more absolute terms than it need be. I think there can be a sentiment that, "if I cannot fully transition, I have no choice but to stay fully repressed".
While everyone has their own circumstances to navigate, I know that I am not alone in having found ways to express my femininity before I was fully ready to be socially out. Transition is not an end state. Transition is a process. Each little or big thing you do to support your true self is an act of liberation and transition. It is surprising what something that keeps you under the radar but still feels like authentic expression can do for your soul. It is an invigorating kind of rebellion. And each new discovered joy leads to another creative form of expression you can try.
So, to hopefully help those that feel stuck and hopeless about transition, I invite people to share what subversive things they did to lay claim to their identity before they were ready to come out. Here are some of the things I remember:
Community: I told my closest friends. I joined a few online trans support groups. I got a therapist. Being seen is incredibly validating.
Expression: thrift stores! I added color, new necklines and styles that pushed the gender binary but still gave me plausible deniability. Many women's clothes are at least a little androgynous, but it felt incredible to wear ACTUAL WOMEN'S CLOTHING! Bracelets and earrings are great for expression but something that men also will do.
Hidden expression: bralettes and underwear. Nobody needed to know. It was my secret and it felt great.
DIY HRT: I ordered E from overseas and tried super small doses for a week or two at a time to see how it felt. I stopped when breast buds actually started forming as I made plans to get it prescribed cuz I proved to myself that it felt right.
And of course, if you can: dressing up however you want in some place that is safe.
Anyway, just a few thoughts. Bottom line suggestion: don't let the immensity of a full transition process stop you from doing anything at all. We all deserve some joy and authentic expression and discovery of what makes us happy. Living as a mask is all about making other people happy and denial of self. We all need more space than that to survive, even when we are still stuck in Limbo.