My boyfriend and I have been on and off for about 2 years since we started discussing exclusivity.
At the beginning, we had a lot of trust issues due to personality differences, misunderstandings, and mistakes on both sides. Our emotional connection was weak, but our physical chemistry was strong. I clearly said I only wanted something casual. During that time, we were casually dating, and I was also seeing/hooking up with other people.
He once went on a trip with a “friend.” I didn’t ask for details at the time because I didn’t want things to get awkward if there was someone else involved. He said it was just a buddy who didn’t show up. We joked about it at the time.
Later, things became more emotionally serious. I felt things would eventually hurt us if we kept things unclear, so I suggested breaking up. He said he would be very sad if I left, and we decided to try being exclusive. I ended things with other people I was seeing, and we officially became exclusive.
After that, I found out that a woman who had been his 2-year FWB/ex was still calling him while we were fighting. He said she was just a friend and lived far away. There were also things that made me uncomfortable at the time (old sex toys of hers in his drawer and an Instagram story showing her face). This created a lot of anxiety for me, and I broke up with him and got back together multiple times.
Recently, we became more serious again, but I still felt unsettled about the FWB situation. I kept asking when they last saw each other, and he said he didn’t remember. Eventually I checked his phone and found out the trip he mentioned earlier was actually with her, and they hooked up once during that trip. He said it was a mistake and that he regretted it, and that once he started lying it became hard to stop.
I understand that at the beginning we were not exclusive and things were messy on both sides. He has since deleted everything related to her, unfollowed her on social media, and told me he regrets what happened and that it was a big mistake.
- the fact that the hookup with his old FWB happened after we had already started being intimate (even though I also saw others, but they were new people and no emotional connection)
- the long-term lying
- the ongoing contact, including him picking up her calls even after we became exclusive (not flirting, but I believe there was still some lingering emotional connection). They had a long FWB situation where she wanted commitment, he didn’t give it, and it never fully ended clearly. He says he stayed in contact partly out of guilt and didn't want to hurt anyone
- He is generally monogamous even in FWB situations (not seeing multiple people at the same time), and I was the only exception early on
Logically, I forgave him. But emotionally, I just don't know how to deal with it and reconnect with him.