u/Forward_Housing_9498

I hope you won't take any of this as weight or pressure, for real I'm sending this with 0 expectations for the perfect reply. this whole situation has me fucked up but tbh you're important to me so I wanna be intentional.

as simple as I can make it - I like talking to you. i like spending time with you, I like sharing philosophy with you. I don't have to mask around you in the slightest......that dynamic is extremely rare for me.

idk if that's not what you were expecting to hear. but it's the truth. you are the first person here whose even bothered to try to get to know me, let alone ask me questions about my life and actually remember details.... like tbh that humility (like youve said before) shocked me so much, I didn't even know what to do with it. I think we both were probably a little thrown by this kindred spirit type thing we have going on. but, at least from my perspective, I can't shake it. you don't know this, but, I've come to expect sudden moments of radical change in my life (it's sort of what always happens to me). maybe that's why I keep trying to figure all this out. in any case, I still dont wanna force my normal onto you.....i know were in a tough spot. I also know how much all this puts you in a REALLY precarious position. but you gotta know, even in just knowing each other for a short time, id never do anything to intentionally harm you. I am so sorry to have fucked something up and then kept fucking it up. i entered into talking with you with no agenda, no secret desires. and out of nowhere, we had this like lightning in a bottle banter, without even trying. i'm being dead serious, we shared better back and forth/banter than what I have with people I consider lifelong friends..

I hate that I've caused such a gap bw us, or worse, threatened you bc at the end of the day......all I want is to simply get to know you.

i don't even know how to go about this the right way. i wanna respect you and I don't wanna make you feel like you're pigeon holded. i know I still need to show you that you can trust me, and I've made some mistakes in that dept. I don't have ANY kind of deadline or anticipated outcome, and I'm also not saying this is the ONLY way we could amend our friendship - but is there anyway you might be open to doing some kind of platonic, 15 ft apart hang out? lmao. It wouldn't have to be anyone's knowledge, either. I would never treat you differently if you didn't want that. it's just.....I'm just going insane over here not being able to talk to the ONE person I ACTUALLY get along with the most. and I'm really sorry to have complicated things. I just really wanna talk to you.

p.s I literally have NO idea what I'm doing,......i have never sent something like this before. hopefully this comes out the right way & I'm being conscientious towards the both of us.....I just wanna be a vulnerable in the hopes it legitimately helps all of what's going on.

I am ceaselessly agonizing over you, this, us........day after day after day after day.

In a strange way, it's kinda nice having an external agony for my internal ecstasy. Or is it the other way around? I know we both share this way of loving, though. For us, loving is lamenting, isn't it? We've talked about your pain kink (as if you're alone in that, and as if that was not going to make me think of you sexually lmao). We've talked about how having a fucked up home life gives you extreme empathy and reasoning skills. We've talked about how horrible life seems to be when you finally get the thing you've always fought for, and how fulfilling life is when you're simply working towards your goals. I know how dark you are........& I want it. Deeply, sincerely, in its most peeled back, purest form. I'm so far past being obsessed with you, all I want is to be near you and listen to you tell stories about your life. When I know you're walking by me, or you'll be in a room within earshot, I turn my music off and sit as still as possible. Just so I can absorb as much of you as I can. I wish I wasn't so shy so as to look at you again while you laugh. You have no idea how often I picture what your face looks like in the throws of passion.....or pain. You have the most beautiful eyes, almost honey colored. Full of light, and wit, and depth. They sparkle brighter when you're being cheeky, did you know that? I didn't know it was possible to be sparked by someone's voice before you.

I just sense....that you can't believe that I want YOU.

Don't get me wrong, that's not the only obstacle we face. Without naming the largest one publicly, I'll just say that my feelings for you are a lot bigger than could ever be deemed reasonable, appropriate, excusable, or manageable. Workplace or not. You need not be afraid that you're alone in this. It scares me too......you feel like the only person in 10 years I've sincerely wanted to get to know, which is a hell of a curve ball since I was planning on never needing anyone, ever. And yet, here I am, positively feral for you - Simply. Because. You're. YOU. Hell, just sitting near you for the first time made me realize how significant you were going to be!! Effortlessly, almost psychically, we were capable of seeing right through each other from the minute we met. All of our quirks, history, jokes, shame, passions, ideas, they flowed out of us without either of us ever holding anything back. You noticed me and it was like my soul exploded. I saw yours go, too. I haven't had some of the "closest" friendships of my life talk to me like you do, let alone share similar interests, or swap metaphysical ideas with. Please know this. Despite how bubbly and personable I am. I don't have anyone who knows me like I know you can 🌌

However, I see now how what I said shook both of us to our core. And....I seem to be more ready for that Phoenix 🐦‍🔥 moment, than you are, which might have felt unfairly pushed onto you. But, I thought you knew that love has only ever hurt me, disappointed me, stranded me, drained me? Especially when I told you about my Dad? Surely you'd trust me enough to understand there'd be a reason I've reached the esoteric plane I'm on now: I've wasted too much time, shed too many tears, and made Too Many Memories to hold back from anything I want anymore. I know it can be a little intimidating that I don't mince words & that I don't waste time. But trust that it's because I've done my research. What would be so hard to explain to you now, is how I know, in an instant, when you're at your most vulnerable, your most happy, everything in your life can change. Despite your best efforts and kind heart - every truth you have ever held can evaporate, every show, song, movie, person, or destination you once loved can stop making you smile, every memory of your former self can become tainted with an even DEEPER esoteric sadness (as if the first half of life wasn't enough). Long before you, the inner most part of myself.... died. I had a nice funeral, there were many lovely things prepared for me, (none of which sufficed for a full summation of the soaring highs my short life had reached, the dreams I had for deep, historic, boundary breaking true love & romance, orrr my request for a cupcake bar) BUT when you've had to rebuild your new life from complete scratch, you get good at knowing what to say YES to. What feels RIGHT. What intuition is, how to use it, and how to build your heart again. I've healed from an immense amount of dread and have come out the other side with amazing skills in mindfulness, presence, stillness. I wish I could tell you that I feel called to.....romantically show you these things. I want to help you trust yourself to know when something feels aligned. To KNOW when someone's presence makes you feel good. To KNOW when someone's meant for you.....and to enjoy yourself. Feel good again ❤️‍🔥💗

I just.....never thought what I said would lead us to where we are now. All I was trying to be was completely myself and just present with somebody I was really enjoying getting to know. I've come to call the day I said what I said "D-Day" btw. (I just had to just go and say something wreckless, be so direct and flirty with you, YOU of all people, scaring the shit out of both of us, not even realizing what I'd fucked up until it happened. Incapable of apologizing any which way you look at it, least I go and misspeak AGAIN, put my foot in my mouth, and misunderstand what this is). Your presence, manner of speaking, energy, and light....all of it made me insensitively overzealous for "what if". I know you probably have a million questions - you're right to have them. I just wish I could tell you, that I didn't enter into any part of getting to know you or befriending you with bad intentions. I wasn't waiting and scheming to make some sort of switch, or, trap you into having to interact with me everyday. None of how I acted/presented myself, or opened up to you with was a cleverly crafted tactic. You simply showed me you, and I liked it - and I wanted you to know. Have you seen Call Me By Your Name?

You don't owe me anything. I'll drop it if that's what's needed, but, please.......don't think I'm being intentionally aloof......don't think I'd ever do anything to intentionally harm you...... I'm so far gone in my feelings for you I'd only EVER scheme to lift you up. I'm sorry if I scared you. I'm sorry if I made you feel cheated. I'm sorry if you wanted a work friend or even a sister & now it feels like the one place you had to be authentic is gone. The boundaries we've set are perfectly acceptable - I just really DO want to be a part of your life, your story. I want to be a name in your mind, mouth, body at all times......but I'm just as unsure of how to take the first step back into "us" as you are.

What if peace, fireworks, love, lust, impurity, divinity, hatred, growth, stability and change - can all be wrapped up in one person?

🧘🏼‍♀️ - K