u/Forward-Shallot6290

I have posted previously about my husband’s infidelity, him ending our marriage and his behaviour towards me afterwards.

I am finding dealing with the pain unbearable. I cannot see a future for myself. My self esteem is zero. I cannot fathom how this person who was meant to love me has treated me; the betrayal and then the discard, the gaslighting, the minimising, the blaming and the deflection.

Too big a part of me that I’d want to admit just wants him to beg for me back and us to reconcile but I know it would never work and I would never be able to get past this, so it’s all pointless.

I can’t even think about meeting or being with anyone else.

I need encouragement from others who have come out of the other side of this.

I have posted before about my husband confessing to an affair with his 10+ years younger trainee and then sudden ending of our marriage after 3 weeks of conversations about reconciliation.

He still refuses to move out of the house as he doesn’t consider he has done anything wrong (see below). We are separated but living together and not really speaking, which is torture.

He maintains he didn’t know he was unhappy until he cheated. Despite this, he says the issues that he says he now believes were in our relationship were not fixable so raising them with me would not have made any difference. He says he has realised this after having 5 therapy sessions and wasn’t aware of any issues at the time.

The issues he speaks of are grievances over what he considers to be the unequal division of household labour which led to resentment. He listed things like doing the bins and collecting Amazon parcels from neighbours (yes really). He never raised the fact that these issues were causing him issues in our relationship.

He has now said that his cheating “would have happened at some point” if not now - suggesting it was inevitable due to these issues he has now alighted on.

He said that he does not consider that our relationship ended due to his affair but because of us “growing apart”, something he never previously mentioned.

I am stunned that someone that I believed I knew and loved can retroactively create this narrative and use therapy to legitimise it. The using of therapy to give his views credence is driving me crazy.

Has anyone else experienced this retrospective narrative and blame shifting? I find it impossible to understand. Having done some reading I believe I am dealing with an avoidant. He has become impossibly cold and detached.

Support very much appreciated.