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Salam everyone,
I’m honestly at a point where I don’t know what to do anymore and I could really use some outside perspective.
I’m 32, my wife is 25. We’re Pakistani and live in the UK. We had an arranged marriage and both went into it with good intentions, we love each other, and everything was and felt good. I stayed a virgin my whole life due to religious beliefs, and I genuinely believed that marriage would be the place where intimacy would finally be natural and fulfilling.
But from day one, till now 1 year after, things have been really difficult.
On our wedding night we couldn’t have sex because it was too painful for her. Even on our honeymoon, nothing worked.
Eventually we went to a gynecologist and she was diagnosed with vaginismus.
Since then, it’s been a long and emotionally draining journey:
• She’s been trying (dilators, therapy, breathing exercises, etc.)
• She also struggles with depression and ADD
• We’ve had multiple arguments and emotional breakdowns around intimacy
• We still haven’t been able to have PIV sex
I’ve tried to be patient and supportive, but I’ll be honest ......I’m exhausted. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life for this part of marriage, and now even within marriage, it still feels out of reach. I stayed away from zina, and stayed away from hookup culture etc.
Recently things got worse:
• I relapsed into watching porn after we couldn’t have sex, I swear my intention was that I stopped with this filth when I got married, but since the situation, after a month I restarted sadly...
• She knows but not to the level that it hurts me mentally..
• She is a stusent so she isnt a “traditional house wife, but she does her best and I help too with the house chores.
We tried again recently to have sex after a long time, and it didn’t work. I got frustrated, she got upset, and it just turned into another emotional drain for both of us.
She sent me a message outlining exactly what she needs from me during intimacy (patience, no pressure, reassurance, etc.), and I understand it, its hard for her too, but honestly, I feel like I have nothing left to give. It feels like everything depends on me being perfectly calm, patient, supportive… while I’m also dealing with my own unmet needs and frustration.
I don’t want to be a bad husband. I don’t want to hurt her. I know she’s trying and that she’s dealing with real issues.
But I’m tired. Emotionally, mentally, even spiritually.
I don’t know:
• How long I’m supposed to keep going like this, I have a high libido, and I dont know what to do with it. I do go to the gym and spend time but still it doesnt go away....
• Whether this will realistically get better
• If I’m wrong for feeling this way
• If this marriage is sustainable long-term
I feel stuck between wanting to be patient and supportive… and feeling like I’m slowly losing myself. I really dont want to give uo on her, but what im also scared of is that im getting cold. I keel looking outside, I keep looking to other women, I feel like my attraction towards her is getting lower. I really dont know what to do.
Has anyone been through something similar?
What would you do in my situation?
Any honest advice would be appreciated.