This will be long, but I need to get it out of my head.
Mid 30s male struggling with separation. My wife of nearly 10 years (together 17) told me at the end of February that she didn't love me anymore. We became parents 5 years ago, and I think we just shifted to "parent mode" and lost sight of each other at some point. I did my absolute best to improve things during the times that we both recognized that we were becoming complacent.
She has reportedly not been in love with me for at least 2 years, but never in that time did she ever communicate that-it was only ever "I don't feel like I'm doing enough with my life" or "I feel like we're just parents" and we'd do better on improving that. I had also communicated my needs which were equally never met or attempted to be met, but I just attributed it to her depressive symptoms of "just feeling like all I am is a mom". I did everything I could to try to lift her up, encourage her to pursue what she wanted in life, tried to help her identify what it was, but it was never successful.
When I realized the severity of the situation, I hit the ground running. Ironically, that week I had noticed patterns in myself and reached out to get back in therapy, began researching getaways for us to reconnect, and then I was just hit with it. But I didn't let it slow me down; got back in therapy, made every effort to show that I never lost feelings for her, that I was just depressed and needed support.
I sacrificed a good job, and stepped down as a supervisor in attempts to be more present with her and our daughter. And things got better, but I guess not good enough. Now I've lost the career I worked over a decade for, and her.
My attempts were always shut down and she remained so cold to me. At the beginning, she had denied there being someone else, and that "it's either this or I'm alone". 2 weeks after breaking the news to me, she took a trip out of state with her female friend to "take her to family reunion". I had a feeling this wasn't the whole truth. Last year, I had caught her texting a man she used to work with and that she had previously cheated on me with. But even then, she denied not being in love with me and that she was just seeking attention. I did my best from then on to be that person I needed to be, but it still wasn't enough.
On March 20th, I finally pried it out of her that she has been emotionally investing in another man, in another state; said state she took a trip to, at which point she finally met him (has known him virtually for 12 years). Admittedly, I had also been leaning on a coworker who was going through the same thing for the past 6 months, but just asking for advice on how she handled things, not that I was emotionally interested in her. Regardless, she pushed the idea that we take that weekend to "spend time with whoever it is we're talking to", even though I didn't think I was in the same situation with my friend.
But I did what I was told, and shot my shot. It worked, and I found out that said friend has always been attracted to me so we hung out that weekend. But after a couple of weeks, she had put an end to it out of fear of ruining our friendship, which I totally respect. But I couldn't help getting in my feelings with her after getting a sense of what I had been missing for so long. We still talk every day, but I know she's going through her own things and has her dissolution tomorrow. So I haven't pressured anything and have kept things as a safe place for her with no expectations, no indications of trying to move things forwards. I know that I'm also not ready for anything serious right now, but still, it hurts kind of losing both of those things in a sense.
Every weekend since then, my wife has runaway across state lines to see this man and is clearly moving very quickly, which is so wild to me. It hurts. They went on a romantic cabin getaway the other weekend, which is just so ironic to me. We're still having to cohabitate throughout all of this until she can figure out how/where to move, but I feel she's honestly dragging her feet and wanting to have her cake and to eat it, too.
Realistically, I know I'm not ready for a relationship. But I've still, out of desperation for connection, put myself out there on multiple apps which was probably a bad idea because it's done nothing but worsen my self-esteem. Literally, the only matches I've had are with the same coworker I have a thing for (HAHA, love it). But the loneliness is devastating. I long so much for someone else to have. Maybe I'm just jealous of her, or feel like I need that to be okay. Which I don't, of course, but the feelings are there.
Admittedly, it is getting a little bit easier as time goes on. I have more "better days" than previously observed, but the crushing weight of it all still shows quite a bit and keeps me suppressed for days at a time before coming out of it again.
I'm tired of the rollercoaster and I'm ready to get off.