Honestly, I feel like my motivation has completely disappeared. Most days I'm in bed, turning over every wrong decision I've made, and thinking about all the relationships and opportunities I wasted.
I've kept feeling like I was supposed to become someone. When I was younger, people saw me as smart, the "gifted" kid, and I had a real chance in music in my mid-twenties, but I let it slip away because of anxiety and addiction.
I've been sober for about 10 months now, and that's supposed to make me feel like it's an achievement, but most of the time it just makes me look around and feel like I burned my life away. Even jobs I don't care about aren't getting back to me. I've worked a lot of retail and some office temp/admin work over the years, but I haven't worked in about 10 months because of rehab and trying to prove myself and become stable. I want to care about being alive again. I want to find some purpose, or even a small bit of hope. But these days, even getting out of bed feels like too much.
What would you do if you were in my place? Every choice I try to imagine sends me into a spiral. Try music again? No, I'm broke and I feel like I've gotten too old. Choose another career? No, nothing feels possible with the debt, no degree, and no solid long-term work history. Go back to school? No, I'm terrified of taking on more loans for something that turns out to be useless, or finding myself trapped in a choice I hate.
Any advice would mean a lot to me. I think part of me just needed to write this somewhere and admit how scared I am. I know a lot of people have it worse than me, but I still feel like I've completely lost hope.