u/Forsaken_Finding4145

I’ve been feeling really lonely lately, and it’s starting to hit me more than I expected.

TL;DR: I prefer close, consistent friendships, but I’ve noticed they often become less available as friends prioritize partners. I understand why, but it leaves me feeling disconnected and unsure how to find what I’m looking for.

I (24F) don’t really want a romantic relationship, even though I’ve tried to convince myself that maybe I should. It just doesn’t feel right for me. What I actually want is really close, consistent friendships. People I can just exist with, talk to, and spend time with without everything needing to be planned or filtered.

But over time, most of my friendships have changed. As my friends get into relationships, they naturally start prioritizing their partners, and I understand why. I don’t blame them.

I also understand that we’re adults and that people have more responsibilities and less free time. I don’t expect things to be the same as they were before. But I do notice that people still make consistent time for their partners, and I think that’s where some of the hurt comes from; seeing that consistency exist, just not really in friendships in the same way.

I don’t feel like I’m asking for a lot. I’d genuinely be happy doing simple things. Walking around, taking random train or bus routes, just talking and being around each other. But even that feels hard to find consistently.

I think what hurts the most is that I tend to see my close friendships as really important, almost like primary relationships in my life. But I don’t think most people see friendships that way once they have a partner. So even if they care about me, it doesn’t feel mutual in terms of priority or presence, and that leaves me feeling really alone.

I also think being home (abusive) most of the time makes this feel more intense. I’m currently unemployed and dealing with health issues, so my world is already a lot smaller than I want it to be. When the people I’m closest to also feel less accessible, it really amplifies that loneliness.

I’ve noticed that because I feel so unfulfilled in this area, I’ve started getting frustrated at things I normally wouldn’t, like how everything seems to revolve around romantic relationships. I don’t like feeling that way, but I think it’s coming from something deeper.

I just feel out of sync with how most people around me build their lives, and I don’t really know how to find people who want the same kind of connection I do.

Has anyone else felt like this? Thank you for reading.

I’ve been thinking a lot about something and I just want to put it into words somewhere where people might understand.

**TL;DR: I feel most aligned in friendships where there’s strong independence, consistency, and mutual priority. I often feel disconnected when friends’ romantic relationships naturally take priority and reduce spontaneity/availability, and I’m wondering if others relate or see relationships and friendships similarly.**

I (24F) find myself really wanting to be around people who don’t prioritize romantic relationships in a way that takes over their lives. Not because I think there’s anything wrong with having a partner (there isn’t), and not because I want my friends to be single, but because I’ve noticed I personally feel more aligned and comfortable around people who have more independence and flexibility in their time and identity.

What’s been frustrating for me is that a lot of my close friendships have slowly shifted in a way where their partner becomes the primary relationship, and everything else gets filtered through that. So plans become “I need to check with my boyfriend/husband,” availability decreases, spontaneity decreases, and even things like going out, traveling, or just hanging out feel more structured and limited.

For example, I’ve noticed this with my best friend in particular, where her availability and spontaneity just isn't there because her life is structured around her husband and his family. I don’t say that as a judgment of her relationship, it’s just a dynamic shift that affects how our friendship functions. Since she’s one of my closest friendships, I’ve found myself feeling more alone at times, not because she’s doing anything wrong, but because our friendship will naturally never have the same priority level in her life as her relationship does.

I also understand we’re adults and that time naturally gets more limited. But I do notice that people often make consistent time for their partners, and I think I feel hurt sometimes by how much less consistent friendships can become in comparison. For a while I thought the solution was just to get a partner too, but I realize I actually dislike that (in theory and practice) for myself whenever I think about it. It doesn’t really resolve what I’m feeling.

I think what I’ve realized is that I tend to see friendships as my “primary” relationships, and I would love to be in relationships where that feeling is mutual. Not necessarily in a romantic sense, but in terms of priority, availability, and emotional presence. And I’m starting to think that I personally feel most comfortable with people who are either single or just very independent in how they structure their lives.

I also want to be honest that I might be speaking a bit in black-and-white terms here. I know there are absolutely people in relationships who are very independent, who don’t constantly check in, who maintain strong friendships, and who don’t revolve their lives around their partner. That exists, and I don’t want to erase that. My experience has just been more on the side where relationships tend to become very consuming and structured, and that’s what feels limiting for me.

I don’t think it’s about judging people in relationships or thinking they’re doing something wrong. It’s more that I personally value autonomy really highly. I want to be able to fully develop myself; my thoughts, beliefs, and identity without feeling like my life or mindset is being shaped or negotiated through a romantic partner. I want to become who I am because of *me*, not because of a relationship I’m in.

With my best friend specifically, I also recognize there’s history there. She grew up in a very strict household where she had very little freedom, and it feels like her life structure has shifted from “her mom” controlling things to now “her husband and his family” influencing a lot of her time and decisions. So I don’t think it’s random. It’s more of a pattern in how her life has been structured over time.

I also think part of my discomfort comes from how identity can become intertwined in romantic relationships, especially when people are young or still figuring themselves out. It makes me uncomfortable to think about losing parts of myself or not fully knowing who I am outside of a relationship. I want to know myself fully on my own first.

I think part of what makes this harder to express is that I often feel like I have to explain or justify this perspective, since it doesn’t seem to align with the way most people structure their relationships. I guess I just feel a bit out of sync with the way a lot of people around me approach relationships and friendships, and I’m trying to understand that about myself without feeling like something is wrong with me for feeling this way.

I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this or sees friendships and relationships in a similar way. Thank you for reading.