I genuinely thought my partner was out of the FOG and that we had fought enough/ cried enough/ stressed enough and in general- talked over the issues that his family of origin is at the center of enough that we were aligned (at least in the most major ways)? But clearly I was wrong because we just took a major step back yesterday and I can't even process what just happened, let alone WHY he made the choices he did.
THE BACKGROUND (Keeping this as brief as possible, but this will probably be a longish post):
My children and I have been extremely Low Contact (LC) / essentially No Contact (NC) with MIL for roughly 4 years at this point. By this I mean, I do not deal w her at all for the most part but there are complications when it comes to not dealing with her EVER because--
-- Like most folks, we have some mutual family members who aren't no contact with MIL so events happen that everyone gets invited to. We gracefully bow out of most of these things but we can not and do not want to miss EVERY extended family milestone/birthday/ funeral etc so sometimes we compromise and attend something provided it's a larger event where he and I can kinda get lost in the hubbub and just stay away from her.
-- SO (significant other/spouse) works for the family company (I know I know... this is the absolute WORST in terms of setting boundaries) That's a very long story but it basically boils down to, he needs to get some key certifications before he can leave and look to continue down his current career path elsewhere. Walking away without said certifications isn't an option as it would mean he crumbles up over a decade of experience and starts over from square one.
That would cut his paycheck in half and with a mortgage and two kids, one of whom is going to be of driving age and the other who will be going off to college soon, along with the general high cost of living, he and I do both agree that he NEEDS to tough it out a couple more years to get the certs before he can separate himself from his family career wise. The job stuff usually has nothing to do with me but it complicates things for SO because after I went NC with the kids, he essentially told his mother that he would be stepping back too, and his father's response was to give MIL a job where they both work ( FUN RIGHT? Imo- I think he was figuring if he just forced them into the same building a few times a week SO would HAVE to interact with MIL and that he would then in turn pressure me to drop the NC).
There are two company events a year that I attend and that's been mostly fine bc, like the few family events a year I attend, they're big parties and I just stay away from her. In attending these events, I've actually found out that she's trash talked me to SOs entire extended family and to everyone at the company that I've formed any type of positive rapport with. So I'm kind've glad I've been going bc knowing that she's still slandering me YEARS after I stepped back has helped my partner to see through her disingenuous intentions when he's been pressured by MIL and other family to just "let things go".
My No Contact story is long so I'm not typing the whole thing out, but it would read like many peoples...
SOs family is emeshed. MIL is a narcissist that's never been able to handle it when her adult son (only son) is in a relationship because she needs to be the number one woman in his life.
This manifested as:
Her making it her mission to try to pick a fight or bully me 80% of the time we were in the same room.
Her persistently comparing me to SOs ex (often in front of people) in an effort to make me feel small.
Her giving me "helpful weight loss advice" I never asked for (also often in front of people...seeing the pattern?).
Her monopolizing all major holidays and special occasion days with no consideration for the fact that we needed some down time as a nuclear family OR the fact that I also have a family who would like to see us occasionally.
Her being rude to various members of my family and actually going as far as referring to us as "hicks" because I grew up in a rural environment and we gardened and hunted for wild game.
Her being judgy in regards to my spiritual views (we are of different faiths and her expressed perspective is: "being a good person isn't good enough, if you aren't a Christian you'll go to hell").
Her being openly homophobic/transphobic knowing I have several LGBTQ friends and family members (I am also LGBTQ but she was unaware of that while making her comments because my relationship is straight passing and I've obviously learned that it's probably not something I want to share with her).
Her LOUDLY criticizing anything I cooked or contributed to family meals (basically yelling things like "EW WHAT DID YOU SEASON THIS WITH?" or "EEWWWW MUSHROOMS ARE GROSS!! AUNT SO AND SO, HOW ARE YOU EATING THAT?!" at the table in front of 20 other people (I'm actually a very skilled cook and have worked in the restaurant industry in the past so this one is especially insane).
Her finding some reason to snap at her husband, or really ANYONE, if they complemented my cooking or my outfit or spoke to me for longer than 30 seconds or really, if they were friendly like AT ALL etc...
I could type you a book but yea, it's the petty mean girl bullying your expect when reading a post here.
She was given a path back when I went low contact and told my partner that she wasn't coming to our home anymore / that the kids and I would not be going to her home or spending holidays with her (basically SO told her that if she wants to fix things she needs to acknowledge that she acted like a jerk and just...stop it??? Pretty easy stuff imo but this talk resulted in her screaming at him, going on a s++t smearing campaign and just... generally continuing to be awful while she cries and victimizes herself with everyone and tells them she "doesn't understand what my issue is and I won't even talk to her")
I've given up on any possibility of having a normal relationship with her because... I can't fix crazy. But I have encouraged SO to have some serious heart to hearts with FIL because since I've gone LC with MIL, he's (allegedly) told SO that he "understands why we stepped back" and that he "also has a huge problem with the way his wife treated me"...
BUT despite saying that, he's made zero effort to maintain any sort of meaningful contact or relationship with me or the kids also?? (Yes, we have extended invites for him to attend their sporting events, for him to pop by for coffee and cake after holiday meals so he could still be in their lives /my lives without entirely abandoning his wife on holidays or "taking sides"... and it's always "I can't do that" because his wife would unload on him bc in *her* mind, he shouldn't go anywhere near us without her.)
To add insult to injury, SOs sister has, on **multiple occasions**, stepped back from MIL for extended periods of time herself due to MILs toxic behavior. FIL has never been estranged from her or her children as a result and definitely still maintained a relationship with her/ made sure he was present for her children as a grandparent.
So this isn't just disgusting to me because he's enabling MIL/ reenforcing her bad behavior by letting her keep him from spending time with his son/ his sons family (ie- me and the kids), but because FIL handles any drama /stepping back on SILs end completely differently and HAS stood up for her/ has still maintained a presence in HER children's lives during periods when she was NC with his wife. The double standard is just so gross.
. . A few months ago SO finally had a sit down w FIL, put this all out on the table and very clearly explained that this was all deeply hurtful to him, and that FIL not standing up to MIL even just to say "Hey, you screwed up your relationship w OP and Son and that's your choice, but I'm going to go visit my son and his family occasionally" is damaging to him/ to me/ to our kids.
He said it make him feel like he's not "allowed" to be happy and have a partner or a family unless they silently take MILs abuse and that despite his father saying he "understands" why we stepped back, it doesn't mean anything if he's essentially thrown us in the trash to placate his wife / that his words do not line up with his actions/ that he's not just treating me and the kids badly, but is treating his own son badly by extension.
And he came home... hopeful.
He said he felt like he had a breakthrough with him. That his dad said he was "embarrassed and wanted to fix things between he and I". That he realized he wasn't doing right by his son as a father etc...
It sounded like he said all the right things. So I was like "Ok, I guess we'll see what happens" and I stopped mentioning it because *sports season* was coming. I basically told SO- "Sounds good but, let's see if your Dad starts actually doing the right thing and SHOWING UP for us".
I knew my spouse had given FIL the girls game schedule and made it clear that he's welcome to come by and support them/ to chat w us on the bleachers etc but I was not prepared for the BOLD boundary stomp that occurred yesterday because... he had said all the right things.
We were at the fields for warm ups yesterday (about an hour before the actual game started) and FIL called my partner to let him know he would be coming.
Except he didn't say "I'm coming"... he said "Your Mom and I will be leaving shortly".
This would be MY SPOUSES cue to say something along the lines of "Uh, WTF DAD, NO??? This is NOT what we discussed???"
But instead, for WHATEVER REASON, he just said "Ok, see you soon" ??
Annnnnd he then said *absolutely nothing to me* until about 5 minutes before his parents arrival when we were seated at the sidelines with 50 other sets of parents waiting for the game to start... when he casually dropped "Oh by the way, my parents (PLURAL) will be here in a few minutes to watch the game"...
Like that's totally fine and no big deal??
When this really shouldn't even BE a think he needs to discuss with me at this point because there's been no acknowledgement, no apologies and no changes in MILs behavior... but he made the decision to unilaterally accept this without even attempting a DISCUSSION with me ??
And given that I can't exactly pull my kids out of their games and throw them into my car and drive away (as this would be TOTALLY unfair to them), or throw down (because starting drama on the sidelines would ALSO be TOTALLY unfair and embarrassing for my kids)...
I really had no choice but to just sit there and be polite in the face of this blatant slap to my face. I didn't freeze up, I just literally couldn't do a thing without it harming/mortifying my children.
The only thing I said in the moment was "I don't know why you didn't think this needed to be a discussion, but we need to talk about this later". It was pretty clear I was rightfully fuming and feeling AMBUSHED.
They came, they left, MIL was on OKish behavior (she cut me off twice while I was speaking w FIL but in the grand scheme of her awful history, nothing shocking or earth shattering really...) --
For me, this is honestly less about me being upset w my MIL (even though she's the epicenter of all this) and it's more about me feeling like FIL just spit in my face. And me feeling like my partner essentially blew up FOUR YEARS of us arguing/ working REALLY HARD to deal w all the issues we've had because of his parents and his inability to stand up for himself/ to enforce boundaries.
I feel like all the progress I thought he had made was a lie.
I feel like everything FIL said about wanting to be more present for our kids and for my partner was a lie and he just played flying monkey for his wife AGAIN and used our invite to our daughters game as a means to shoehorn MIL into the picture.
I'm just so upset/angry/ gutted and I don't even know where to go with it but here.
I confronted my partner and let it rip the moment I knew the kids were asleep later and we actually had some privacy. He didn't make any excuses for his behavior and has acknowledged that he didn't enforce the boundary/ that he behaved in a way that was totally spineless.
He seems to know that he handled this wrong and he's *apologetic*. But after multiple years of this, I'm honestly just SO tired of the apologies.
I don't WANT apologies anymore, because apologies without action are meaningless.
I want him to stick up for us, and for himself *consistently* and for him to stop letting me down. Instead I'm left feeling like I'm dealing with an addict who keeps relapsing anytime I relax a little and actually allow myself to trust that he's broken his bad habits and his damaging emeshment related behaviors.
Like sure, he could go to FIL now *after the fact* and tell him this was unacceptable/ that it makes it clear to us that the whole talk they had was meaningless to him (and he probably SHOULD be doing that)- but all that's also giving MIL fresh fuel for her slander campaign because "SO was told in advance that she would be there and HE said it was ok and everything went fine until later so I must be the problem".
So yea, I get disrespected by LITERALLY ALL OF THEM, and because SO didn't enforce the boundary HIMSELF from the jump, I'm going to have to get hit with all the shrapnel that flies when he has to have the inevitable show down with his parents again.
I just feel so defeated at this point. My trust is absolutely shattered and SO keeps apologizing/ keeps asking how he can "fix this" and regain my trust and I don't even know what to tell him.
P.S.- We are supposed to go on a couples trip in two weeks to try to take some time to ourselves and "reignite the spark" because all this stuff with his family has put a massive amount of strain on our relationship. Soooo yea, even though I've been LC/NC for FOUR YEARS, it seems MIL has managed to nuke the possibility of our trip being anything but a sad weekend full of awkward silences.