Hi, I (37 F) could really use an outside perspective on a matter with a new hobby band project I joined 2 months ago. Before I start I want to apologize for possible weird phases, English is only my 2nd language. I tried really hard to include everything that’s important without the post getting too long but if you have questions let me know!
So we have three singers:
- A (36, F): very inexperienced and quite insecure
- B (48, F): experienced (several years in bands)
- Me, also experienced (several years in choirs + bands).
From the first rehearsal I attended I tried to create a supportive atmosphere, especially towards A. I tried encouraging her, pointing out what she does well, etc., without pushing.
At our last rehearsal (first time that all 3 singers were there, I never heard B sing before and was super excited), things suddenly felt off. I made a small mistake in the first run of a song and got snapped at pretty harshly by B which caught me off guard.
Later, the band founder and B left the rehearsal room, I thought they both had to go to the bathroom but turns out the founder wanted to talk to all 3 of us individually. He first talked to B, then to A and then to me. He told me:
- B and I “don’t really match on a personal level”
- A feels intimidated by my presence, confidence, energy and experience
- I should “tone it down a bit” so A has more space
I didn’t really know what to say or think. I don’t actually feel like a super confident person – singing is just the one area where I feel free enough to express myself.
I understand wanting everyone to feel comfortable, but I also don’t want to feel like I have to make myself smaller just so others don’t feel intimidated. My instinct would be to lift everyone up together instead.
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I also don’t want to suppress the one space where I feel free.
Now I’m stuck wondering:
- Am I unintentionally coming across as too intense or dominant?
- What can I do so everyone feels well and safe?
- is this just a mismatch in expectations, personalities and levels and I should quit?
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Tl;dr: joined a hobby band and was asked to hold back my energy and presence so another singer feels more comfortable. I don’t want others to feel less than but I also don’t want to shrink myself and wonder if there’s something I can do to improve or if it’s just not the right fit