I've always had depression, but kept it managed with medication and weekly therapy. I always spiral and fear for the worst and now some of the worst seems to be happening in my life and I just can't handle it. I'm not able to give my young kids and my work the concentration and presence that they deserve.
So much shit is going on in my life. My wife, whom I had many problems with when she was well (she refused to sleep in the same bed with me for 6 years, she wouldn't bathe or take her meds or eat), recently had a series of strokes and is now in a nursing home. Our insurance is refusing to cover the nursing home, even though they had approved her stay, and now we are hoping to get her onto Medicaid. If we can't get her onto Medicaid, we are on the hook with the nursing home for $20K a month which we do not have. So we will have to sell the house and be homeless.
My mother has been super helpful lately and even has offered to help pay the bills from her retirement fund if it's what's necessary to help the kids and I keep the house. But then yesterday we found out that hackers had broken into my mom's online bank accounts and transferred a lot of her money out to their own accounts. The bank says they will investigate but we may never see that money back. She may be losing everything.
Every day, there's some fresh horror. I go to the mailbox with great dread, waiting to see a crippling medical bill or some note from Medicaid saying that they've rejected her application and we're on our own. And then I feel worthless at work and worthless as a parent and I'm worried I'll lose my job too.
When it comes time to concentrate on something else like my work or watching the kids, all I can do is spiral thinking about going bankrupt and losing the house. Meanwhile, I can't be present in my life and just try to put these legitimate worries to the side while I wait to see what happens.
All I want to do is go to bed and sleep and sleep and not pay attention to anyone or anything. Because everything I see upsets and horrifies me. But I'm supposed to be a functional person, supposed to help my kids, supposed to do a great job at work. Yet everything feels like it's falling apart around me and I can't do anything but watch it fall.