Is how I’m feeling wrong?
There’s a lot that plays in the back of this issue. Long story short. Ive been with. My partner for 3.5 years now. Around the 3 year mark stuff started going weird between us but. I didnt recognize how bad it was until I found out that they were cheating on me with my best friend’s ex-girlfriend which was also my friend. I say cheating here because we talked about exploring non-monogamy together, only sex and myb some flirting here and there. So non-monogamy as a couple. I that time I also say that that friend was flirting with the both of us a bit and we discussed that it would be unethical and too messy since the breakup between my two friends was recent. We agreed that nothing would happen.
In the end I found out that they were secretly meeting up and other stuff like that. In that same time my partner and I started talking to someone. Realized that we both wanted something with her but due to me finding out about the cheating shit went awry fast and I ended up hurting the other person. before all of this, we thought about trying out a triad, which I now is a big no no to some people.
Our relationship (my partner and I) was too unstable for any of this (I realized this way after because there was a lot my partner kept from me about how they were feeling). Anyway, after all of the drama that went down, my partner asked me for a break because there was a lot of built up resentment, lack of sexual connection/intimacy, they said they needed more time to work on themselves(without any repair from the cheating). We also just spent a lot of time together and they felt like they needed some alone time but didnt mention thay because of how i reacted in the past due to my anxious attachment, which i am working on. I agreed because I saw the value of that but I also shared that our relationship isnt stable and I fear that they will invest all that time in a new relationship while ours was on ice. Which would ultimately defeat the purpose of us going on the break (my partner wanted the break to have some time to reconnect with THEMSELF and to focus on what needs to be fixed for our relationship to work). In the end that didn’t really happen much. They just need up investing a lot of time into this new person. That new person and I remained friends kind of. We still had feelings, I still had a lot of feelings but because I hurt her, she kept me a bit on ice as well.
Now, this is what I actually need advice on.
Me and the girl have nothing going on. We dont have a triad. My relationship still has not gone through any repair because my partner still hasn’t done the actual work for that. I still feel very unsafe when it comes to the status of my relationship. I still feel unwanted etc because of all the cheating and the lack of effort being put into our relationship.
With the triad dead and all, and only them two going strong, I feel as though the way they are going about it isn’t the best way and this is where I feel like I might be crazy.
My partner and I dont live together, but I tend to spend a few days at their house. When I’m not there, they have all the freedom to talk, text, flirt, and sext (they are long distance). When I’m there I feel like, especially since we still havent worked on reconnecting, and rebuilding our relationship, that maybe it’s best to dedicate time to us. Instead of them texting the whole day or calling while im here. I already told them (my parter) that I am uncomfortable with them calling while im there, asking if they can do it in an another room. I feel the time I spend with my partner also needs to get split because even then they are calling, flirting texting, and honestly probably also sexting right next to me (my partner and I also dont have sex because of a lot that is broken in our relationship, so that adds another layer to the sting). THEY HAVE TONED DOWN THE CALLING QUITE A BIT! instead of everyday, its now a few times. but even so, they once made it clear that they are doing this for me, in another argument abt them calling. it was said in a way that made me feel like they were blaming me for how they are talking less. im not saying that was their intention at all, but the tone and the words made ME feel that way.
Now, my partner tells me that they need to go call the girl. I point out that it’s not a need but a want and then I say okay. Which starts a fight because I shouldnt say that according to them, that its unnecessary. To me the distinction is necessary because we are sped to spend the time we have together trying to fix whatever we can and be in the moment with each other, at least, thats my opinion. My partner also mentioned that it’s not okay that they have to leave the room if they want to call the girl, suggestions that I am the one that needs to leave.
I should add that when we were trying out the triad thing that we did call, when together, w her. And now my partner points out that because I have an issue with them that now things need to change (so that now things need to be separate). I don’t have an issue with them but my partner has mentioned before that they know that the relationship between them two is getting in the way of (fixing) the relationship between us two and they still are going on with it. I just want this relationship to be priority enough to get worked on so we are stable again.
Also before all of this, we used to talk way more and fight way less.. especially before the addition of someone else. We also went into this too quickly without really preparing the relationship enough (obv this part i realized later, so that is on me).
I guess my question is, if I’m crazy for thinking that the time we spend together should be us time. That if were together that the energy should go into us and connecting. Im not saying that they can’t text or whatnot, but I feel like if im here we should be spending that time together. When im gone, and my partner is alone, they still call her, so it’s not like they dont. (PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUESTION)
So now im alone in the room while they’re on a call.
I hope my dilemma is clear, I was all over the place. i skipped a lot of info because theres just so much. Please help!
EDIT: my partner is very sweet to me and say they still see a future with me. That they really do wanna work on having a better and healthier relationship. They treat me really well outside of all this drama.
ALSO IMPORTANT TO NOTE: they have asked me why i didnt tell them to stop before. but i feel like that isn’t my place to tell them to stop. although they knew they were hurting me and have mentioned this before. and when they suggested it, way before even the cheating, i didn’t see the issue because although we were going through a heavy patch, i never knew any of the things that they kept from me about how they were feeling. after the cheating is when i found some stuff out. after the cheating and during the break is when they think i should’ve told them to stop. i dont think that its my place especially if they already know how they were hurting me to the point that they said that they feel bad about it.
ANOTHER NOTE: the girl my partner is with now isnt the same girl they cheated on me with but another girl we tried a triad with that failed!!!!
(reposting here, i am OP)