u/FormerSignificance19 — reddlx

My husband has ROCD and sexual orientation OCD. He recently told me that he views our sex as a compulsion and reassurance (or lack of). He does it often to prove to both of us that he is attracted to me, that he doesn’t think about men, that he can get hard with me. When it goes well, he’s relieved for 5 seconds. When it goes bad, it’s hell for both of us.

After learning that he’s seeking reassurance through sex, I put a boundary up. Through 13 years together, I quite often forced sex on myself to please him (unrelated to his OCD, just me trying to prove to myself that I loved frequent sex). I naturally have a very low libido and for our whole relationship I tried to suppress that. I forced sex on me 2-3 times a week, when I probably only need it 2-3 times a month to be honest. I only followed his libido, never mine.

He told me a few weeks ago that he’d rather have sex less frequently if it means he’ll get to see the real me, with my true libido. And I told him that I wanted to lower the frequency of his sex compulsions. And I felt free. I told him I needed to listen to my body for once and not force anything. That it was supposed to come to me naturally, to feel horny for real, not forcing it, and he was fully okay with it.

It only lasted a week. He’s started being pushy, trying to convince me to have sex at the most random and impossible times, saying that he’s ruminating about why I’m not trying anymore, that he wants more frequent sex. And a few days ago I did it anyway. The saddest thing is that I did it the day before my birthday just to make sure that my actual birthday could be a sex-free day. I’m ridiculous.

I’m trying to find a balance between our different libidos and his need for compulsions, but it seems impossible. The thing is that the more he tries to get me in bed, the more I end up feeling distant, empty, numb. I’m trying to listen to my body and my body is dead silent.

(For context, he’ll start ERP next week).