u/FormerPersimmon7548 — reddlx

Salaams all. Worried about my cousin and looking for advice, not a judgement on her actions please!

She’s known this guy for 10 years. They hung out in private without their parents knowledge because they were scared their parents wouldn’t approved of their cultural differences. Alhamdulillah my cousin has become more pious, has avoided seeing him one-on-one, and their parents are now accepting of them proceeding with the marriage. However, me and my siblings/other cousins have seen some concerning behavior from him in the brief time we‘ve spent with them/from what she’s told us about him. I don‘t want to be too specific in case anyone finds this but

he seems to talk down to her/not care about her emotional needs
somewhat related to number 1, he seems to prioritize superficial needs over emotional ones. he buys her stuff and offers a lavish lifestyle, but doesn’t seem interested in getting to know her as a person
he seems comfortable dictating to her how she should live her life. he told her to change degrees and she did, he told her she‘ll need to move in with him after marriage (away from both their families) and she will, he told her to change her last name after marriage even though she doesn’t want to/this is not obligatory, he wants her to quit her well paying job after marriage, and more. I’m not sure if this is because of their 5 year age gap but my cousins seem to think so.
he doesn’t want them to get legally married, just Islamic marriage only. we are living in the states. our cousins and myself who were born here think this is a bad idea. she wasn't born here, and we think she believes this is okay because she is from a Muslim-majority country. however, we think that being in the states now, we are worried this will give her less rights if they were to get divorced. my cousin is very religious, but I don’t believe he is. I think he is self serving and money focused, and worry that he is pushing for this because it will benefit him.

this is just a few reasons, without being too specific. I want to talk to her 1-on-1 and tell her that I’m here for her and that she needs to protect herself, but I don’t know how to say it without coming across as rude.. coming from a house of….domestic issues….i don’t want her to eventually feel isolated and too ashamed to tell people if she needs help down the line.

let me know if I should say anything/how I should do it

JAK