u/Formal_Meat_8250

I know my grammar and spelling is gonna suck but I’m just trying to get this out. The title does suck yes but idk how to really explain this. My brother probably 7-8 years older than me and I have been kinda getting close these last few years, but I think about it sometimes and now I’m scared. When I was maybe 6-7 years old or around we had bunk beds and my memory is kinda blurry about this but he slept on the bottom while I did the top. I remember one night like I said kinda blurry I was in the bottom one with him and fast forward he wanted me to touch “something” and I did a decent amount I guess and then he brought up other things to do with it and I don’t think I went along with it but I remember he touched me a little and he was explaining “some type of liquid” while I think he did it in front of me I tried and since I was young it wasn’t the same type. That’s kinda all I remember besides trying to hide it from my mom if she would walk to the kitchen, but I am not too sure what else happened and if it happened more than one night. Now I know I am a horrible person for this but a couple years before I was playing with my cousin and I was like 3-4 maybe and I kinda was curious I guess and asked her to touch I guess and she didn’t which I’m glad but I felt shame then till now. Also years after my brother and I did that I kinda was at another cousins house and he was younger like how young I was or even younger and I guess I was still curious but damn i was a bad person because I asked to see his “snake” and him mine and to touch but idk if we touched or not but I know his mom said to be quiet later on then we just stopped. I’m saying all of this because I need to confess if it was abuse or trauma idk but me and my gf is doing good but I keep thinking about what’s the worst thing I’ve done and I always think about that and I am so scared to tell her but maybe this will help but I know we want kids and she feels really deeply about how we should raise them and I feel that will freak her out and not wanna have kids or be with me again. That’s all I can think of right now but thank y’all for listening.